inside but always looking out

I'm not certain why I make things hard on myself. I don't think it's some kind of penance. I don't think it's some kind of revenge against myself. I don't think it's self hate. I don't think I'm trying to prove something to myself by making things hard so I can conquer them.


…

Little g was presenting her cultural heritage as part of a school project. When I arrived in the auditorium a lot of her family were already there; I was greeted as a member.

Outsider said a voice in my head. I turned my imagined back on that voice in demonstration that I was ignoring him, that I wasn't going to waste any time even discussing it with him even though I felt his word rang true.

After the allotted time was over, I said my goodbyes and followed Lady G to the parking lot. She was fetching something from her car to give to her mother. I was leaving to head to the second job.

"Where are you parked?" she asked.

"Are you over there?" I asked pointing to the left noticing a car that looked like hers.

"Yes"

"It looks like I'm the next spot over from you."

"Didn't you recognize my car?"

"I must have been in a hurry"

Small talk accompanied us to our vehicles. I waited for her as she searched her car for what she wanted.

"Thanks for coming" she said as she hugged me harder than I hugged her.

When are you going to trust her? that same damn internal voice asked.

As soon as I can figure out why she loves me