In part

Part of the problem is that I don’t know if she thinks I’m less petty than I actually am.

Part of the problem is that I don’t know how bad things are for her. I know that things are bad but she always seems to find funding for the things she needs but I also know some important things aren’t getting paid.

Part of the problem is that I’ve sacrificed non-needy friends to help the needy ones; she might be doing the same.

Part of the problem is that I don’t know if I’m being selfish or trying for self preservation.

Part of the problem is that I know I’ll never be fully compensated for my effort.

Part of the problem is that I’ve always suffered from the famines and never benefited from the feasts.

Part of the problem is that I may love myself more than I love her.

Part of the problem is that I don’t know if the effort I’m making matters much.

Part of the problem is that I’ve increased my worth even as my compensation has gone down.

Part of the problem is that I know she uses my abilities as a selling point.

July 3rd

I cut out kind of early; early for me; early for me when my favorite bartender is tending bar. Even so, early consisted of six pints of beer and two pints of a mixed vodka drink. Before I left I bought an assortment box of chocolates from Godiva for the bartender who was having a birthday and a smaller assortment for my favorite bartender. I told my favorite bartender that her gift was “Just because” but it was really just so she wouldn’t get jealous. Her birthday isn’t until December.

I don’t remember why I walked to a subway station that wasn’t the closest. When I approached the gate, I noticed someone having trouble with her subway pass; so I pressed my monthly pass against the sensor she was standing by and told her that I would wait. There is a fifteen minute wait each time you use your pass at the same station.

I didn’t wait though. Instead, I walked to the next subway station.

She was kind of cute and sometimes I have a need to be a small time hero.

My powers don’t work on family

As luck would have it, I was unlucky.

Usually, I don’t allow someone’s prettiness to get undue favors but sometimes I forget.

I know my blue eyes have gotten me more than I deserve at times.

Sometimes I turn on the charm to get what I want.

My sister used to doubt my powers but then one day she was a witness to it; she’s still a little dumbfounded to this day.

All this with a 32 oz McDonald's Sweet tea hidden in her bag

She asked me to the movies, so I moved some things around to free up my schedule. I got to her house on time and waited. When we got to the theater, they were already at capacity for the showing that her free pass would have worked on.

Her plan B was to buy a ticket for what was showing next to it and then sneak in; but she guessed wrong at where it was playing which left us the choice of seeing WALL E or the last half of Get Smart. We got up to get a refund on our tickets because unbeknownst to me, I was paged and had to leave.

Her plan C was much like her plan B only she was going to find out the correct screen, this time. She knew a girl that worked there and asked her to find out and to check to see if that showing was actually full or not.

Her informational source told her that what we came to see was indeed packed and also that some folks had waited four hours to get in. So, after some discussion, we decided to see Iron Man but I didn’t want to wait in line so I went to the kiosk. We would be missing the first fifteen minutes of the show but I didn’t care. When I presented our tickets, I was told that I would have to go to the desk to get new tickets because my tickets indicated that they were expired on one half which is what I guess happens when you buy tickets after the start time from the kiosk.

I walked to the desk and explained what I was told after I waited behind a couple that was there before me. I was told that my tickets should work and to let the person tearing the tickets know that it was indeed okay for her to take my ticket.

I turned to walk back to the ticket tearer but could find Lady G. I looked around the lobby and then outside on the street but she wasn’t anywhere I could see and when I called her on her cell phone I got no answer.

I thought of handing over my ticket and going up the escalator to the upper level but I figured she wasn’t up there because you needed a ticket to get passed the attendant.

I looked around some more and thought she might have ditched me even though she’s never done that before. Then I got a call asking where I was and I said that I was in the lobby wondering where she was; she told me she was upstairs waiting.

So, I offered my tickets to the same girl that told me that I needed new tickets and told her that John said she should take the tickets that I had; she seemed doubtful but she took them but then she didn’t know which half to give me. I suggested that she give me the half with the movie information on it and she should keep the half that said the ticket was expired. Fortunately she agreed.

“What happened?” is the greeting I got.

“You disappeared.”

“I told her to tell you I was upstairs.”

Not wanting some discussion I wasn’t ready to argue to win, I kept quiet.

“What about the tickets.”

“The desk said the tickets I had were fine, and I told her that and then she took them.”

“Oh, no they didn’t. Come on we’re getting our money back.”

We were at a point where we already had missed the first half hour or maybe even more of the movie. So, I said “I don’t want a hassle.”

“Give me the tickets then.”

I handed her the tickets and she told me to grab some seats because she would be right back. She wasn’t right back and when she was back she handed me back the tickets. Two tickets cost $21; I think a non horrible movie is worth the ten fifty. I think it’s worth paying the ticket price without going through a lot of effort to avoid paying it. She thinks differently.

I kept the tickets in my hand for the rest of the movie. I thought it was a good movie; definitely worth the price of admission if all you had to do was buy a ticket.

Heading to the lobby I looked at the tickets and on the back of each of them was hand written a little note that said “John, please give a readmit.”

So we walked to the desk and asked for John. John was paged and then radioed and then paged again, and then John finally appeared. When he asked what he was needed for I proffered the ticket and spread them between my fingers so that he could see that both had writing. John looked at the tickets and smiled as he said “I see,” and then he disappeared into his hiding room. When he returned he had two tickets for readmission.

We set a date for two days hence, and she has a plan for us to sneak into the first half of Iron Man.

We were swapping vehicles; her Cadillac for my Dodge truck. She took a phone call and I watched. She roamed around a little. She circled me. I tried to memorize her form. I’ve known her for over twenty years. Her beauty has changed over time but just in style and not in substance.

I’ve been kind of angry with her lately. I’ve felt disrespected and taken advantage of; I’ve felt that knowing her is more trouble than it is worth. Outside of her family there has been very few of her relationships that have survived, since we’ve met. I’m one of two.

As I watched her, I wanted to find fault. I wanted to add more to my list of grievances but natural sun light and true beauty are usually error free.

She was engrossed in her phone call. I just stared when I wouldn’t be caught.

My heart softened a bit.

It mostly wasn't about pirates at all

I don’t read fast. I can but I don’t. When I read fast, the words become just words and I lose the story. So, I read rather slowly and let the tale sink in.

I finished “The Pirate Coast: Thomas Jefferson, the First Marines, and the Secret Mission of 1805.”

The main character was William Eaton

He is stated to have said something along the lines of – We need to stop worrying about whether it’s good for the Federalist or whether it’s good for Republicans and start worrying about whether it’s good for the United States.

Eaton risked life and limb for what he thought was best for his country. Fate took a limb quickly and his life eventually. He died a disappointed patriot.

years ago, today

I now request you all go read something you wrote at least a year ago.


yeah, it's seems crazy now. - 2004 June 21

I was asked if I had any of the bacon wrapped shrimp. The answer was "No, I'm not a fan of seafood". I was told that I grew up in the wrong location, I should have grew up in Chicago. I would have to agree that the capital city of the Bay State is probably better suited to those that enjoy seafood.

The conversation continued further and it was revealed that I used to fish the ocean as well as lobstering for a few years but I never ate anything that was caught. It was all for fun.

I told the listeners that when I was about six that my dad had this rubber raft on which he put a motor. I assured folks that it was a good rubber raft much like the armed forces use. Nevertheless, my dad had all his young children in this boat of rubber, everyone with fishhooks. We fished with droplines so we sort of had to hang over the side. It seems a bit crazy looking back on it now.

you forget - I saw the damn thing - 2005 June 21

“that presentation looked great…”

she elaborated further but I missed it or rather I can’t recall or most likely I don’t care to remember

“Thanks but I disagree”

“No really…”

she said more stuff I can’t recall

“I saw it. I didn’t like it”

“Well, I did. …But you still disagree?”

“Yes. But if you liked it, that is all that matters, I guess”


there are things I do, that at first I don’t like, but later, after the fact, I’ll warm up to it. I’ll see the thing later and think “That’s actually pretty good. Why can’t I still do things like that?” But that presentation I don’t think I will ever like.

I could have rocked the cover if I just changed the shade of one color but the shade went unchanged.


2006 I had no post on June 21


so - 2007 June 21

sososososososososososo


I'm a talent.

...

At least she admitted it last night when I asked her outright.

...

I need to do more things on the sly.

...

Remember the old days when things were short and sweet?

I wonder about her happiness at times








Whenever she asks for the camera, I let her use it.


She took this one when the telephoto lens was on the camera. She had to lean back to counteract all the forward weight.

So

At least part of it has ended. It actually ended yesterday for me; it's just that people got to see it today.

I survived but my reputation got a little tarnished. I'm no longer consider fail proof, but I'm still known for getting the job done.

I remember driving around trying to calm myself; my mind was racing and it reflected in my driving, even though I had had ample time. Slow down got repeated over and over; it mostly didn't work.

After my eight hours, I walked down the street which isn't really in my character, any more. I usually, only visit there after work on Fridays as of late but I figured I deserved a beer or two. Mowing my lawn could wait further.

After the second beer she asked "What now, Timmy?" I usually, don't have to choose my own drinks. I usually let them mix whatever they want because they often get tired of pouring draft beers but this bartender wasn't playing my game so I ordered a Stoli Raz and cranberry. I watched as she reached up for an eight ounce glass. After that I had another. After that I asked for a suggestion. What she suggested was what my favorite bartender often mixes but I could not remember what was in it so she called my favorite bartender on her cell phone.

She got the recipe and served it in a pint glass. I tried to hide my smile. My favorite barkeep looks out for me even when someone else is serving me drinks. I drank two of those and left soon after the next shift change.

I got home and racing against the darkening sky, I mowed the lawn. I checked the quality of my work the next morning, wondering if the lines left by the mower were going to be uneven. But things were true.

Things are better. And even though I nearly took it on the chin, I did keep my head up.

Living and exisiting

I see him every day. He’s a small man, easy to miss. He wears a light blue jacket on the days he wears a jacket. He checks for change in the return change slot of the pay phones. He drinks Starbucks. His hair is still a dark brown. His face is old.

: | : ) : |

I grew the goatee back. I was tired of looking younger than my age.

She was walking in as I was walking out. She said "I miss your smile," which caused me to flash it. "It'll be back, just not soon," I replied as it disappeared.

I miss seeing the things to smile about.



Emoticons made more sense when your world is askew.

could be

If I didn’t see them with my own eyes, I’m not certain I would have believed I could have made all those mistakes.

They were all little mistakes but they were all mistakes that needed to be fixed and thanks to the instant nature of email seven people got a sample of my errors a moment after I had made them.

I always have been of the believe that it’s better to do one thing well than a few things not so well.

Maybe I didn’t respect the tasks. Maybe I’m overtired. Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe it’s too much.

None of those sound right.

Maybe I got cocky. I think that was part of it. Maybe my luck ran out.

Who knows?

This week blows.

yeah...

Everything is loud as I try to finish the ads: the AC, the iPod, the TV.

The NBA Finals are on because if the east coast team wins then it’s more work for me. If they don’t win then it’s possibly more work in the future.

I’m not digging either job at the moment.

But I did get a kiss on the cheek as I left

I laughed a little as I took a step back from the scene. It wasn’t a physical step because I still stayed in my stool.

It was much like a lot of Fridays after work, I walked down the street to let her serve me nice size quantities of mixed drinks while we talk about what’s going on. Things were working out nicely because a seat next to me cleared out just as her shift was ending. I was trying to play it cool; trying to make it look like I don’t get a little charge out of the fact that she gives me all her attention once she comes to my side of the bar. I was pretending I didn’t notice the empty chair and she pulled it out slightly.

After a quick moment I turned to speak to her but she wasn’t there; there was a slight “What the fuck?” moment. I quickly looked around and noticed her three seats over talking to someone younger and possibly better looking than me. And that’s when I evaluated the situation and smiled. I had felt a twinge of jealousy. I felt what it’s like to be all those other regulars who get mostly forgotten when she sits next to me; and I can tell you I would much rather be me.

They are sisters




She's having a ball



I stopped a little



He's a famous Photographer




I was waiting for the wind to blow the flag but I left




He asked who I was after I took this and he was satisfied with the answer