Thursday, October 25, 2012

I tell myself

I tell myself to just deal with the present.

But both the past and the future haunt me.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Prior

My feet weren't moving.

My mind wasn't turning.

I was unaware of things changing.

My world was getting smaller and smaller to the point I could not see past my arm's length.

Calls from beyond the length of my arm were distant and impossible to connect with.

I imagine from the outside it was like trying to wake someone up from a coma.

I could hear but I could not respond.

The leaves are falling like large snowflakes. I guess it is Fall.


Monday, October 22, 2012

Membership

(Friday, instead of drinking)

My membership gets me previews and I feel a little stupid not using them so I end up seeing more exhibits than I typically would.

I try to get into the mood. I try to not feel guilty and sad.

It was some photographer's work. I actually recognized some photos even if I didn't recognize the name.

One of his quotes about the space says that he tries to push the edge.

I thought: "there are times I do that."
But usually it is in some unpleasant way. I will say something that goes about almost too far.

I don't really enjoy the exhibit and I blame it on the crowd which really wasn't a crowd at all.

At 3:30pm we started making plans at work on what to do after. I said that I would not be joining them I said that I was done drinking for the day. I got a couple of eyebrows to go up.

I get a pumpkin latte. I do not like lattes.

I do like pumpkin though.

I didn't know how much of his photos were real there is something about catching the moment and that thing is different than creating the moment either physically or digitally,

She then mentioned something about chandeliers and morano glass


The work week has started

My goal today I'd to get ride of some clutter. There is a chance that today might be almost normal.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

When she left me this note, I wondered what type of drugs she was on. It was at a time when I did not feel I had any patience for anything and I felt angry and frustrated and ineffective. I know she had heard me get a little curt on the phone a couple of times and also heard me complain about the workplace. I tried to buy her good favor by gifting her a tape dispenser that was in the playful shape of a women's red shoe. More than once I had caught her using my stapler when i had left my desk so as a joke I was going to give her a stapler but then I saw the shoe tape dispenser and thought it would be a better gift. She certainly had a different view of what was going on in my cube than I had had.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Out the kitchen window

From my kitchen window I can see my world. Well, not my whole world. Actually, when I looking out the kitchen window a lot of my world is behind me or to the left because my kithcen is in the front of the house and to the right. I just think that "from my kitchen window I can see my world," is a pretty fair opening line. I spend a bit of time in the kitchen and a lot of that time involves looking out the window mostly because the kitchen sink is under a large window and coffee mugs and dinner plates do not wash themselves. From the window, I can see most of my front yard, the city street beyond that and the city park beyond the street. Last Sunday, I was looking out the window and noticed a landscaping crew, they were planting a tree. I thought it was odd for the city to be planting a tree on a Sunday afternoon. I thought it was odd that a crew of three from a private landscaping company were planting a tree. I thought it odd that, other than the crew of three, there was nobody else around. I thought that the scene before was eyes was not legitimate but then I thought "Who would be so bold as to plant a tree in a city park without permission?" I told myself to relax and to mind my own business. I said to myself "Who cares if folks are planting a tree?" Even though I cared, people just cannot do whatever they feel like on city property. I tried to let it go. I made a deal with myself that I would not persue the issue of the tree unless it presented itself. I felt that it presented itself Tuesday mornign when I was sitting across the table from someone from the Parks Department. I asked who would know if a tree was supposed to be planted or not and mentioned why I was asking. I was told the arborist for the city would know. When I got back to my desk after I settled all of my urgent issues, I sent the arborist an email and told him everything I thought was odd about what I had seen on Sunday. His reply was that he remembered receiving a request for a memorial tree but that he guessed that the requester didn't like his answer {and planted the tree on his own}. It is relatively easy to kill a tree. Especially a young freshly planted tree. On a different note, it is not uncommon for me to be able to hear the guy in the cube next to mine chewing which is almost as bothersome as hearing the guy in the other cube next to mine slurping his coffee. It is not all bubbles and sunshine where I am.

Monday, October 15, 2012

There is this guy I know from the bar who at one time I disliked immensely. He was violent and angry and didn't seem to be able to control himself but over time I started to listen to what he said. He would say mean things to people when teasing them and at times he was very quick with it. Over time I learned that he is smart, loyal and dependable while still being violent, angry and lacking self control. He sees things differently than most people. He has made some bad life decisions and has gone to prison but he feels like he makes the right decisions but that things just turn out horribly for him. I will tell people that in his head he thinks he is making the right decision but that sometimes stabbing a guy is the right decision. He tries to visit his son but then he will get a restraining order taken out against him because he called his mother in law a stupid cunt during an arguement about how he should get to visit his son. I think that he basically has a good heart but his brain is off. And I think his brain was damaged early on in his life. He tries but he doesn't have the proper equipment to succeed. And I think that is how I feel about my coworker. He is still that guy that has helped me to succeed. He is still a careing and helpful soul but part of his brain is different than what most people consider normal.

Intent

There was a meeting called relating to the news that broke over the weekend. It was explained that the Employee Assistance Program would be making counseling available. The boss was saying it was like a death in the family, which I didn’t disagree with. The person I knew is gone. He is someone I would go to when I was asked to do something that I personally thought was stupid. He would often agree that the thing was stupid and then either tell me that folks knew it was stupid and wanted it done anyway or he would tell me that he would find out if folks knew about why I thought the thing was stupid and get back to me. He was the person that I would go to when I needed to find out how I should handle a situation. He was the person I would go to when I needed to find out the history of a thing. When I read the story, I thought: “I should un-friend him.” I didn’t, but I then thought, when is the appropriate time? After the arrest? After the arraignment? After the conviction? How do you balance the good with what is the heinous? Are there two separate parts? Is there just one part with a bad section? Is the whole part bad but it occasionally does good? Can there be a true separation of thoughts that are good and thoughts that are evil? What he did was way over any acceptable line but it makes me wonder where the line is. Does the line move sometimes based on the person? He crossed the line but where he was stopped was far from where others sometimes go. Did his mind get twisted or did he just let it go to where it wished? Were the forces internal or external? Could it have been stopped or was it only ever partially controlled? “In various stages of undress.” Where is the line on that? Someone taking their shoes off. Someone taking their shirt off at a pool. Someone standing in their underwear in a doctor’s office. I think of the word intent. His intent was evil at some level so any stage of undress is a problem, even if shoes were just being removed. I think we all have our own lines based on individual circumstances or intent but somewhere there is a universal line that applies to everyone everywhere. I wonder where my line is. When you are dealing with consenting adults in the privacy of your own home, the line is a lot different.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Reading

Reading that a trusted coworker was busted for possession of child porn is not so great.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Thursday

I baked a cake because it was somebody's birthday.
The cake has butter cream frosting on it that is flavored with unsweetened chocolate. The ciabatta bread is flavored with fermented yeast and flour.

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Monday, October 08, 2012

Columbus Day

There is a broom in the basement whose main purpose is to knock down cobwebs.

To do one thing I had to do three other things.

Each step I am behind takes four steps to accomplish.


Saturday, October 06, 2012

Saturday

Saturday

October 6, 2012

There was a Friday post but it was short and short lived.

Friday's post was mostly reminding me that it was Friday the 5th and then when I went about my business I dated a memo the 4th. I was told that a helper raccoon would fix that problem but I am also told that raccoon to date are a non unionized workforce and I work in a closed shop. I guess the raccoon could be hired as a consultant.

I left most of my electronic devices at home along with my messenger back and my jacket. The forecast was for 78 degrees as a high and a gathering of co-workers at a bar.

I didn't feel like going out after work but sometimes it is important to actually demonstrate that you are part of a group. There was this one guy going who usually doesn't go so I felt a little obligated to attend.

The place was too loud and eventually got too crowded.

I was reminded why I like to drink alone.

Saturday

My back ached a little less than usual is what I noticed when I realized that I was awake at 3AM.

I was in and out of sleep until I rolled out of bed right before 8AM.

I feed the cats, didn't feed the turtle and replenished the water in the pot by the sink that has the bamboo in it. The cats like to drink from the pot with the bamboo, which is better than drinking from the toilet.

I made an egg, ham and cheese sandwich on a toasted English muffin. I thought about the one egg and one slice of cheese and the one piece of ham and thought it was pretty good for portion control. Otherwise, I might have had a three egg omelette with peppers and onions, ham and cheese with a side of toast.

I then made some coffee grabbed my house keys and stepped out to the deck. That is where I am now. It is probably about sixty degrees. It is the Fall. I will not get too many more chances to sit outside in the morning without a jacket.

The lawn is wet and hasn't been mowed in at least two weeks. The last time that I neglected the lawn a coworker that lives in the area mentioned it. He was not mean about it and he didn't seem to be judgmental but I still thought, "Well, yeah, fuck you," but I kept that thought to myself.

The lawn should be mowed, there is little doubt about that.

...

Yesterday I was at the ATM on the first floor of where I work and I keyed in the wrong pin number and then I heard a loud sigh from behind me. I thought, "You have got to be kidding me," to whatever made the sigh. Then I keyed in another wrong pin number and I heard another sigh but I refused to look behind me. On the third try I got the number sequence right on the account that I rarely use and then turned to look at the person making the sighs.

I said, "You know, I didn't know if it was some asshole I didn't know or what, but now I see it's an asshole that I know." It was just one of my buddies giving me a hard time but I think I might need to change my pin numbers to something I can remember better.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Thursday

October 4, 2012

It is Thursday.

This is mostly just a reminder to myself. Mostly reminding me that it is Thursday and also October 4th.

It was a little coincidental that as she was telling me that I buy things to fill a hole, that I could hear UPS sliding a box across the front porch floor. UPS no longer bothers with knocking on the door, they just leave the stuff on the enclosed front porch, which is quite  fine with me.

It is trash day today. That is a reminder to myself as well.

I cooked something Tuesday. I actually cooked something Saturday as well but I don't count what I did on Saturday as cooking; I baked bacon and fried home fries in my twelve inch cast iron skillet. I also scrambled some eggs. Looking back on it, I don't know why I do not count that as cooking.

Tuesday, I cut a 3lb beef roast into small pieces and browned it in a nonstick pan. I tossed in an onion and four carrots, along with some homemade chicken stock. I was finished at about 8:45PM.

I try not to eat after 7:15PM. So much for that.

The Boston Public Library is having a free depression screening on Tuesday.

I have requested to take next week off.

I have to make certain that I have everything set to go for the next three weeks.

This post is as boring as a presidential debate.

Monday, October 01, 2012

Friday forward

Friday morning I again was feeling like I was not accomplishing anything. I was busy but i was not making any progress with the stack of paperwork on my desk. By lunchtime I was sort of resolved to the fact that I would be even further behind by the end of the day. But then the phone stopped ringing and people stopped coming by my cube assign questions; I ended up doing the paperwork for eight events, which pretty much brought me up todate.

Saturday, I made some progress on the house and ended up finding thirty feet of half inch copper pipe which would have came in handy when a water pipe started leaking in the basement a couple of weeks ago.

Sunday, I feel was a waste. So of course I focus on the Sunday.