Sunday, June 09, 2019

I should take it as a win but I do not feel like a winner.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

They say change is good but that is a lie

I relocated my desk. I had been in the same area, within 18', since I walked in the door over twenty years ago. There had been some changes, like from old furniture to new, and from this cube to the cube right next to it but this latest move was to a new room without cubes.

Everything was packed up and moved. I should have purged before the move but all of my co-workers were already in the new location, so I just took everything.

By law, I am supposed to keep my records for at least seven years. I had stuff over 17.

I am sure I tossed out "one of's" - plans that only I had a copy of but they hadn't been used for years and years and anyone looking for them probably wouldn't even realize to ask me for them. They will be cardboard boxes soon.

I couldn't help but think of all of the man hours that it took me to create all that paper trash. I literally threw part of my life away.

I probably moved about 20 boxes. I filed away 8 and then started sorting through the rest. I am down to five. Things of value, that I most likely will rarely ever need.

For the past couple of days, I have been filling the nearby trash buckets and recycle bins with my past effort and then I do what I get paid for. 

I answer the phone with my left hand, now.  
The more I fight it, the stronger it gets.

Tuesday, March 05, 2019

Sorry for the interruption

I used to write all of the time.

It helped to get the thoughts out of my head.

But writing is sometimes like trying to relax in your backyard and eat your breakfast on a sunny morning. You sit there thinking about how nice it is to be sitting in your own back yard just enjoying the day and then you notice a loose gutter or some pealing paint or the grass that is getting taller than you like. Fuck you gutters. I never liked gutters, they seem like a flawed system to me always getting clogged and creating ice dams. I rather deal with the rain run off at the ground level and pitch the ground away from the house.

I need to shut that voice off in my head.

It is true that I need to do more but I also should be able to enjoy my life at times. The trouble is that depression keeps me from doing things and when I get a break from my depression and try some self healing that damn voice points out all of the other things that I should be doing.

"You shouldn't need to write to cope." I don't argue that point.

Am I a person with High Function Depression? Or am I just a lazy sack of shit? It's a tough call.

I have ripped most of the gutters off of my house. There are still some because I like that thought of collecting rain water to water the garden. These gutters are not near any trees, so they don't get clogged.

I am not even trying at this point.

mood change

Senior year in high school our English teacher asked us "On average, in a year, how many books do people read in the US?" Most of the guesses were over four. Mr. Sullivan said the answer was zero.

I like reading but I don't like to read. I am slow at it. I sound out all of the words in my head unless they are hard to pronounce and recur over and over in the story then I just remember what that word looks like and skip over actually saying it. I often get irritated reading science fiction because of all of the made up words.

If I am in the mood to read, I can read about a book a week. I am not often in the mood. But I probably read at least some sort of book at least once a year.

Sunday, March 03, 2019

The Struggle is Real is What I Would Like to Say

A compact dryer sitting on top of a compact washing machine is all that someone sees when the closet door is opened. What isn't seen is the new wiring, the new plumbing and the new hole in the exterior wall for the vent for the dryer.

The stacked washer and dryer were supposed to be easy to install but in a house that was built in 1880 things don't always go so well. Coincidentally, the closet that houses the washer and dryer was originally built to help hold up the bathroom on the floor above. Whoever installed the bathroom on the second floor cut through a few of the joists that support the room to run the plumbing.

The washer and dryer where a Christmas gift that my mother received over two years ago. My depression was keeping me from doing all that was necessary to get them installed but then my mom nearly cried the last time she talked to me about it. Her knee had been giving her problems more than usual and she was having trouble getting up the stairs to the full sized washer and dryer.

It still took me three weeks from the day to get it done. Some of the days were spent struggling with the work that needed to be done other days were spent struggling to decide to work.

It's done. I am pleased with the work but not the delay. 

Friday, March 01, 2019

One Finger Salute

Part of me felt like I had made the right decision but I wasn't happy about it as I entered the subway.

I didn't need a beer.

I ended up standing in front of some disheveled guy who was wearing a backpack, holding a bag in his lap, a bag at his feet and a bag in the seat beside him. He made a move to stand up so I shifted to the right. He stood up and then stopped, standing right where I had been which caused our personal space to overlap.

I took a step to the right. He turned his back to me. I watched as he raised his right hand and rested it against his right cheek. His middle finger was extended but he wouldn't meet my gaze but he gave a lot of side-eye.

It was a dirtbag move and I wondered what his issue was, I wanted to engage him about his behavior but my mind kept going to my own personal issues.

The train was still making its way through Downtown Boston so riders were coming and going and I took the chance to relocate to the other side of the car. He was still giving me the side-eye until someone stood near him.

I watched as he shifted to face away from the lady next to him as his grabbed the pole between them. His middle finger was extended.

I then felt sorry for him, this miserable little man who can only express his feelings by not-so-secretly extending his middle finger to all of those who get close to him.

He was still herding his bags over two seats as I walked by him when the doors opened for my stop. I wanted to tell him that I was going to pray for him, not that I was actually going to do it but I felt that he needed to know that someone somewhat recognized his plight but I also still held a bit of a grudge and felt like it might piss him off.

But I kept my mouth shut and counted some of my blessings.

Monday, December 31, 2018

If There Is Cheese, Then It Is Pizza.

I was explaining the type of breads that I was baking and I was interrupted.

"I have to stop you right there. If it has cheese, it is pizza. It is not focaccia."

I told him, "Hey, I am not going to disagree with you."

Saturday, December 29, 2018

The Rise

I bake bread.

I bake a variety of different types but it is mostly sourdough that I bake which at it simplest definition means that I do not use commercial yeast.

Using naturally occurring yeast means timing is an issue, a twelve hour wait is not uncommon. It can be a three day affair between feeding the starter and waiting for the rises, then shaping and baking the dough. It is tough to commit to baking a loaf of bread for tomorrow when I have no interest in dealing with it today. But the thing of it is: I don't know what my mental state will be tomorrow, maybe I will want bread then but I won't be able bake any because I didn't do anything today. So my shitty attitude today is going to directly affect my attitude tomorrow.

I have started loaves that I had no desire to finish but it is almost easier just to bake the loaf than to toss it into the compost heap and then have the city wildlife traipse it all over the place.

I irritate myself a lot.

The preparation, the rise, the baking are all functions of time. Each alarm goes off and I am reminded that I am just wasting my life away but I do end up with a pretty good loaf of bread.

Friday, December 28, 2018

Forks go on the left

If you don't wash the dishes today then you might not be able to set the table tomorrow

Thursday, December 27, 2018

It is Just a Pot of Meatballs

It is just a pot of meatballs but I will take it as a victory.

Saturday, December 01, 2018

The First Rule of Fight Club...

Monday night I was made an honorary member.

There were three dreams from that night that I remember: 
Dream 1, someone asked me if I was all right. I said, "I'll be fine." He said, "There is a lot of blood." I believe that I just shrugged my shoulders.
Dream 2, the taste of blood. I was reminded that the blood of human's tastes like rust.
Dream 3, My dad was driving, my 2 year old niece was troubled by something only she wasn't my niece she was now my sister, which is odd but then my dad died over twenty years ago. Those are dreams for you. I asked the other occupants in the vehicle what was troubling her. She answered for herself. She said that most likely that her mother had died earlier that day. I turned to my father and asked if it were true. He said that it was but that he hadn't told anyone yet. I wondered why the two year old knew something sooner than I did.

I don't know what that last dream was about, maybe it is that a two year old can handle difficult things better than I care to do. Or maybe that I am not paying attention to important things

That second dream came about from the hole on the inside of upper lip which matched up perfectly to the bottom on my right front tooth. Coincidentally, it was not the first time that hole had appeared. The first time, happened when I was eight. I was ball with my friends and I took off running with my head down and my lip and someone's head met. I was knocked out and woke up with a mouth of blood and the sister of one of my friends was holding a wash cloth to my mouth.

I am guessing dream number one was actually the memory of a drunk.

Wednesday, May 02, 2018

I guess I am arrogant

I pretty much think I can do anything so even though society like to tell people they can be whatever they want to be, it is kind of an arrogant attitude

Friday, December 22, 2017


“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” -- Thomas Edison

I don't know if Tom actually said that or not but it illustrates a point.

I often don't like people watching me work.

I often don't like people watching me work because sometimes my efforts do not produce the results that are desired.

I often don't like people watching me work because sometimes my efforts do not produce the results that are desired and people will then ask, "You don't know, do you?".

often don't like people watching me work because sometimes my efforts do not produce the results that are desired and people will then ask, "You don't know, do you?", and often it is times when I am trying to help them out. 

No, I don't actually know, motherfucker, but I am learning.

I know things, I know what is possible. I just don't always know the most direct path to get there so sometimes there are some wrong turns but I just found out one of the ways not to go, so I am one step closer.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016


Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Dear Gennifer,

I was riding home on the subway, it wasn't too crowded so I was able to get a seat, and I remember thinking: today was a good day.

This morning, before work, I was able to finish a small project that I had put of the night before and was still able to leave the house on time. When I got into work, I took a quick look at the news online and read a story about a local multi million dollar business that was started by two brothers whose mother had a tradition of when they were sitting at the dinner table, of having them tell something good that happened to them that day.

It reminded me that I should focus more on the good than on what might not be so good. I think for most people it is easy to almost forget about the good. The good is a gift, it requires no thought to receive it but when you receive the not-so-good, you want to change it, or deal with it or get rid of it so you tend to focus on it when a lot of the time, you can just accept it and then simply move on, without wasting any energy on it. I need to do more of that instead of cultivating bad thoughts.

I was able to get through some paperwork and even solve a couple last minute problems. The phone seemed to ring constantly and even though five other people can pick up that phone line, they seemed more than willing to let me pick up the calls. Sometimes, it bothers me that they don't pick up the calls but I like to think at least they get somewhat educated when they hear me on the phone. I have been there the longest, so there is not much I haven't heard before.

I often catch my coworkers using my phrases when dealing with other people.

I am kind of awesome.

I had to have the big boss sign something yesterday and usually I will just leave it in her inbox but sometimes she will sign it right away if she is there and when I walked it with it, that is what she did . I said, "it just the same as last year" as she held out her hand.

A lot of the stuff I deal with is just repeated from year to year.

I watched as she signed it and after she wrote her first name she said, "Everyone was saying what a great help you were over the weekend," which catch me off guard because I had forgotten that some events took place over the weekend. I said, "Well, thank you. I try my best but it is not just me, it's Donnie and Mike and the Sign Shop. And thanks for your support, that helps a lot." It was a little bit gratuitous but it was also true. I am pretty much left alone, I am allowed to make decisions on my own and I don't screw too many things up.

I believe that you should do good work just for your own benefit but it is also nice to hear it from your boss's boss.

I have some cooking to do but I baked two loaves of bread yesterday, so I feel that I am ahead of the game.

It was nice hearing from you earlier.

I hope that your day went well too.