Finish Line

That is my pass for the 117th Boston Marathon. The black letter F on the yellow dot means that I was allowed access to the finish line area.

It is the same type of pass that I have been giving for the past four years.

Prior to the race, I walked right down Boylston Street stopping here and there to say that things look good to the people that I knew putting the finishing touches on the area. I also walked down either side of the sidewalk and stopped in the Starbucks along the way.

Everything did look good so I drove to the other side of town to check on what was going on with the Patriots Day Parade and then drove by Tufts Medical Center to check on something else and then headed back to the finish line area.

Things still looked good.

The people that run the marathon have been doing it for quite some time. It is a huge event but most everything happens the same as last year. The set-up sometimes get tweaked but no big changes.

I walked the sidewalks one last time and then I left.  The things that I was there to address would have already made themselves evident if they were a problem. There were no problems so I went to lunch.

I watched the end of the Red Sox game and would peek at the other tv with the Marathon on it occasionally, as I ate something called Cajun chicken Alfredo and sipped a cheap draft beer  My friends asked if I was working. "I was but I'm not now. I don't like to milk the overtime so when there is nothing to do: I leave." was my answer. After lunch and a couple more beers I went home.

The first couple of times I was asked to worked the marathon I would stick around longer, trying to find stuff to do.  I would walk up one side of the sidewalk and down the other. I would do it seven or eight times. I would never see anything.

This year, I would have seen something.

Some people reached out to make sure I was okay.  I told them that I was but I could not help reflect on what might have happened if I didn't leave when I did.

Halloween

Hurricane Monday

I tell myself

I tell myself to just deal with the present.

But both the past and the future haunt me.

Prior

My feet weren't moving.

My mind wasn't turning.

I was unaware of things changing.

My world was getting smaller and smaller to the point I could not see past my arm's length.

Calls from beyond the length of my arm were distant and impossible to connect with.

I imagine from the outside it was like trying to wake someone up from a coma.

I could hear but I could not respond.

The leaves are falling like large snowflakes. I guess it is Fall.

Membership

(Friday, instead of drinking)

My membership gets me previews and I feel a little stupid not using them so I end up seeing more exhibits than I typically would.

I try to get into the mood. I try to not feel guilty and sad.

It was some photographer's work. I actually recognized some photos even if I didn't recognize the name.

One of his quotes about the space says that he tries to push the edge.

I thought: "there are times I do that."
But usually it is in some unpleasant way. I will say something that goes about almost too far.

I don't really enjoy the exhibit and I blame it on the crowd which really wasn't a crowd at all.

At 3:30pm we started making plans at work on what to do after. I said that I would not be joining them I said that I was done drinking for the day. I got a couple of eyebrows to go up.

I get a pumpkin latte. I do not like lattes.

I do like pumpkin though.

I didn't know how much of his photos were real there is something about catching the moment and that thing is different than creating the moment either physically or digitally,

She then mentioned something about chandeliers and morano glass

The work week has started

My goal today I'd to get ride of some clutter. There is a chance that today might be almost normal.

When she left me this note, I wondered what type of drugs she was on. It was at a time when I did not feel I had any patience for anything and I felt angry and frustrated and ineffective. I know she had heard me get a little curt on the phone a couple of times and also heard me complain about the workplace. I tried to buy her good favor by gifting her a tape dispenser that was in the playful shape of a women's red shoe. More than once I had caught her using my stapler when i had left my desk so as a joke I was going to give her a stapler but then I saw the shoe tape dispenser and thought it would be a better gift. She certainly had a different view of what was going on in my cube than I had had.

Out the kitchen window

From my kitchen window I can see my world. Well, not my whole world. Actually, when I looking out the kitchen window a lot of my world is behind me or to the left because my kithcen is in the front of the house and to the right. I just think that "from my kitchen window I can see my world," is a pretty fair opening line. I spend a bit of time in the kitchen and a lot of that time involves looking out the window mostly because the kitchen sink is under a large window and coffee mugs and dinner plates do not wash themselves. From the window, I can see most of my front yard, the city street beyond that and the city park beyond the street. Last Sunday, I was looking out the window and noticed a landscaping crew, they were planting a tree. I thought it was odd for the city to be planting a tree on a Sunday afternoon. I thought it was odd that a crew of three from a private landscaping company were planting a tree. I thought it odd that, other than the crew of three, there was nobody else around. I thought that the scene before was eyes was not legitimate but then I thought "Who would be so bold as to plant a tree in a city park without permission?" I told myself to relax and to mind my own business. I said to myself "Who cares if folks are planting a tree?" Even though I cared, people just cannot do whatever they feel like on city property. I tried to let it go. I made a deal with myself that I would not persue the issue of the tree unless it presented itself. I felt that it presented itself Tuesday mornign when I was sitting across the table from someone from the Parks Department. I asked who would know if a tree was supposed to be planted or not and mentioned why I was asking. I was told the arborist for the city would know. When I got back to my desk after I settled all of my urgent issues, I sent the arborist an email and told him everything I thought was odd about what I had seen on Sunday. His reply was that he remembered receiving a request for a memorial tree but that he guessed that the requester didn't like his answer {and planted the tree on his own}. It is relatively easy to kill a tree. Especially a young freshly planted tree. On a different note, it is not uncommon for me to be able to hear the guy in the cube next to mine chewing which is almost as bothersome as hearing the guy in the other cube next to mine slurping his coffee. It is not all bubbles and sunshine where I am.

There is this guy I know from the bar who at one time I disliked immensely. He was violent and angry and didn't seem to be able to control himself but over time I started to listen to what he said. He would say mean things to people when teasing them and at times he was very quick with it. Over time I learned that he is smart, loyal and dependable while still being violent, angry and lacking self control. He sees things differently than most people. He has made some bad life decisions and has gone to prison but he feels like he makes the right decisions but that things just turn out horribly for him. I will tell people that in his head he thinks he is making the right decision but that sometimes stabbing a guy is the right decision. He tries to visit his son but then he will get a restraining order taken out against him because he called his mother in law a stupid cunt during an arguement about how he should get to visit his son. I think that he basically has a good heart but his brain is off. And I think his brain was damaged early on in his life. He tries but he doesn't have the proper equipment to succeed. And I think that is how I feel about my coworker. He is still that guy that has helped me to succeed. He is still a careing and helpful soul but part of his brain is different than what most people consider normal.

Intent

There was a meeting called relating to the news that broke over the weekend. It was explained that the Employee Assistance Program would be making counseling available. The boss was saying it was like a death in the family, which I didn’t disagree with. The person I knew is gone. He is someone I would go to when I was asked to do something that I personally thought was stupid. He would often agree that the thing was stupid and then either tell me that folks knew it was stupid and wanted it done anyway or he would tell me that he would find out if folks knew about why I thought the thing was stupid and get back to me. He was the person that I would go to when I needed to find out how I should handle a situation. He was the person I would go to when I needed to find out the history of a thing. When I read the story, I thought: “I should un-friend him.” I didn’t, but I then thought, when is the appropriate time? After the arrest? After the arraignment? After the conviction? How do you balance the good with what is the heinous? Are there two separate parts? Is there just one part with a bad section? Is the whole part bad but it occasionally does good? Can there be a true separation of thoughts that are good and thoughts that are evil? What he did was way over any acceptable line but it makes me wonder where the line is. Does the line move sometimes based on the person? He crossed the line but where he was stopped was far from where others sometimes go. Did his mind get twisted or did he just let it go to where it wished? Were the forces internal or external? Could it have been stopped or was it only ever partially controlled? “In various stages of undress.” Where is the line on that? Someone taking their shoes off. Someone taking their shirt off at a pool. Someone standing in their underwear in a doctor’s office. I think of the word intent. His intent was evil at some level so any stage of undress is a problem, even if shoes were just being removed. I think we all have our own lines based on individual circumstances or intent but somewhere there is a universal line that applies to everyone everywhere. I wonder where my line is. When you are dealing with consenting adults in the privacy of your own home, the line is a lot different.

Reading

Reading that a trusted coworker was busted for possession of child porn is not so great.

Thursday

I baked a cake because it was somebody's birthday.

The cake has butter cream frosting on it that is flavored with unsweetened chocolate. The ciabatta bread is flavored with fermented yeast and flour.

There was not a crowd

There was just me