Tuesday, December 27, 2005

so, the oven has to go, the old oven that is, I still need an oven, I need a new one. The old oven still works, it still keeps it temperature pretty good but the dials have lost some of their numbers and…

I went to an appliance store because I didn't like anything at Home Depot or Lowes, when I walked in the receptionist asked if I need a salesperson or if I was just going to look around. I told her that I would just be looking but I would get back to her if I needed a salesperson.

After looking at several makes and models I decided on a thirty inch Kitchen Aide, stainless steel. I went back to the receptionist and told her that I would need a salesperson. She handed me a pager/coaster thing like you get when your waiting for a seat at a restaurant and said "When this goes off come back here." So, I did, after waiting for the thing to go off for thirty minutes or so.

I told the guy what I wanted. We walked over to it and he asked if I had any questions.


"No questions?"


"It's has convection, the controls are in the front so there is no reaching over the cooktop…"

He mentioned a couple other thing to which I just nodded because I had already spent forty minutes looking at ovens just that day and probably hours in the days prior.

"No questions, huh?"


So we walked over to his desk and he started the paper work. The total came to $2005.40.

"Can I pay cash?" I asked.

"Well, yeah. I suppose you can.…You carry that much cash with you?"

"I do today"

When I know what I want I don't screw about.
I don't wear jewelry. I'm not opposed to jewelry wearing, I just don't think any of it fits me, there have been times when I would have liked to wear something but nothing ever seemed right.

My mom gave me a gold chain for Christmas. All her brothers wear gold chains or at least used to, all the living ones still do.

sometimes, I write on index cards

Christmas morning, I was standing drinking my freshly brewed coffee while I was looking out the kitchen window. I was looking out the window to avoid looking at anything in the torn apart kitchen. Across the street, in the city park, I noticed the crows scavenging.

The crows don't know it's Christmas is what I thought and then I spent the day running gas pipe.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

My sister was helping me with something so I took her to lunch. The plan was to take her to my favorite bar and grille but they were closed so we ended up at a towards-the-high-end steak house. My sister was a little apprehensive about the place because we weren't really dressed for it but I said I didn't care what the restaurant thought of me.

"Can I help you?" I was asked.

"Yeah, a table for two."

"In the dining room or at a table by the bar?"

"Wherever. I don't care."

"Well, in the dining room, it's just that we ask that you remove your hat." I was wearing a hat.

"Well, then I guess it's by the bar."

My sister looked even more apprehensive after the sitting arrangement was explained.

"And you know what, normally I would take my hat off but screw him." I said after we were seated and for the rest of the meal we were goofing on the other patrons and the restaurant itself.

I told my sister that I wanted to steal something just to prove they were right about me but there wasn’t much on the table, there was Tabasco Sauce (the green type), a sweetner holder, and the salt and pepper shakers. I chose the Tabasco. My sister chose the stainless steel sweetner holder, that actually was kind of neat. Once lunch was over I said I was to steal a diner plate.

"I'll just shove it down my pants. They probably wouldn't even say anything, they would be like 'Just go', I'll have to point out to them that I'm leaving a big tip. I'll stand up and say 'Hey look, I'm leaving a bunch of money'"

"and yes that is a diner plate down my pants" my sister added.

Molly was our server and she didn't seem to care I was wearing a hat, we received great service, so I did leave a big tip. She caught me goofing with my camera, I was going to do a self portrait because I already got one of my sister, and we ended up talking a little about digital cameras.
Friday seems like a season ago.

I'm on vacation. When I get back I'll hear "Oh, what did you do on vacation?"

And I'll say "Installed kitchen cabinets and a new floor"

And then I'll hear "Oh, that doesn't sound like much fun"

And I'll think "Bite Me"

Anyway, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to answer questions.

My favorite movie and why

"High Noon" is my favorite movie because it reminds me that the world isn't, by default, the fairy land I like to think it or rather think it could be, it never was and will never be.

It reminds me that as a group people suck which in turn reminds me even though it seems I can't change the world, I'm not going to let the world change me.

I like people better as individuals.

My first memory

I don't think I actually remember my first memory first hand any more but I remember the memory, if that makes any sense. There was a time I would say "That's my first memory" and what I remember is me saying that.

Anyway, it was a birthday present I got from my paternal grandmother when I was five. It was one of those PreSkool(?) airplanes with the terminal. I don't remember her giving it to me or me opening it, the memory is of me sitting in the hallway between the kitchen and the living room playing with it.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Melissa had questions

origin of the name green catfish?

Once I decided to start blogging, I figured I would eventually have it hosted under a unique domain name. I didn't want to buy a bunch of domain names so I was going to just buy one for other things I wanted to do and then toss the blog onto it. One of the other endeavors was to make a way for some of the things that get produced from my hobbies to be available for sale on the internet. I was looking around for a domain I could get, that would be easy to remember and that would have a logo that would be easy to produce. I came up with green catfish.

what got you blogging?

I found out about blogs while I was being a smartass and needed the rules of a Yankee Swap and found this guy that had posted the rules on his blog. I followed his links to further links and came across thedetox.com. Angelina got me hooked on reading her blog and then one day she posted something that I wanted to reply to, I sent her an email to which she graciously replied. Then I thought it was unfair of me to be reading her blog and forming opinions when she had no means of finding out about me, so I started blogging. When I started I had no links to anywhere and tried my best to be invisible but someone found my blog and then they sent me an email. My reaction was "holy shit! someone's reading this crap"

favorite kind of music?

I probably have mostly country CD's. I like a lot of stuff. I'm not a big hip/hop or rap fan.

On my iTunes at the day job presently: 3 Doors Down, 4 Non Blondes, Black Eyed Peas, Bruce Robinson, Bruce Springsteen, Chris Knight, Coldplay, Elvis Costello, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Dave Carter with Tracy Grammer, Dire Straits, Emiliana Torrini, Foo Fighters, Fred Eaglesmith, Hoobastank, Hot Apple Pie, James Taylor, John Mellencamp, John Prine, Johnny Cash, Kasey Chambers, Kathleen Edwards, Kevin Welch, Kieran Kane, Kim Richey, Lisa Loeb, Lori McKenna, Los Lobos, Los Lonely Boys, Lyle Lovett, Madeleine Peyroux, Mary Gauthier, Mindy Smith, Montgomery Gentry, Pat Benatar, Ray Wylie Hubbard, Rodney Crowell, Semisonic, Shelby Lynne, Sheryl Crow, Slaid Cleaves, Soundgarden, Steve Earle, Susan Werner, Tood Snider, Van Morrison, Warren Zevon, The White Stripes.

I have the lamest 'sex' dreams

I realized the other day that I've never had a sex dream that had actual sex in it, there has been some nudity but no actual sex and then last night I had a dream about some of the bartenders. The bartenders are all female where I go except for this one guy who I almost never see and he wasn't in the dream.

In the dream they weren't bartenders they were hookers and one of them decided to do me because it was my birthday. The setting seemed to be like that of the HBO series Cathouse. I told the one that was willing to do the deed that I didn't think it was a good idea, it would change the nature of our relationship. I'm not certain what I was doing hanging out at a brothel without having sex but the feeling I got was that I was at that place almost as much as I was at the real bar. Her friend joined the discussion and said I wasn't leaving until I got fucked (her word not mine). I didn't like being told what to do so I was going to resist, but not too much because who resists sex.

I remember more but it gets a little personal something about measurements and stuff and maybe the phrase "maybe five if you're lucky" and then the phrase "get a ruler"

There was still no actual sex just some hurt feelings.

And it was more than five.

Much more than five


Q & A

So, I said

I should just open this up to Q&A cause I got nothing.

and Radio had some questions

Q.- King Kong or Godzilla? 9/11 or Columbine? "Kill Bill" or "Titus Andronicus"? Quick one at the footrail, or slow wallow in the back booth?

I feel the same way about "What the fuck, Chuck?"

So, here are the answers.

I would go with King Kong. Kong has more honor. Kong was wronged to a greater extent. I think Kong would walk away from a fight if he could avoid it. Kong's a lover that has to fight. Gozilla sits around waiting for reasons to destroy. Gozilla is a hot head.

I think Columbine was a greater tragedy for the U.S. those kids were our own, just troubled kids and not much has been done to fix that problem. There are a lot more troubled kids out there.

"Titus Andronicus" I haven't seen.

I also like adding "And that's a fact, Jack" to the end of someone else's emphatically made point.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

"You leaving?"


"You're no fun anymore." She pouted as she took my twenty to the cash register. I wanted to ask when was I ever fun but I just sat quiet.

"I won't be working Saturday so you don't have to come in" she said as she returned with my fourteen dollars worth of change. She has tickets to Saturday's football game so she switched her around her schedule.

"Maybe I'll come by and keep Danielle company" I said with a smile.

She slammed the cash down as hard as one can slam paper money "You're not to keep anyone company! …Anyone but me, that is." I was watching her very serious expression. She had been looking down watching while she was forcing the money down because she had to navigate around my soda, the napkin holder and the covered tray of drink condiments. When she looked up, I just laughed. And then she laughed as she broke character. I imagine that she uses her acting skill all the time against her boyfriend.

She then went back to being serious and said that if I came in on Monday, I would be the first to find out what happened at their Christmas party. I've heard some stories of whipped cream and nudity in the past.

I fanned out the two fives and four ones and left half for her.

I just hope she'll be able to remember the party. She likes to drink straight Vodka martinis.
We divided the bill into six equal parts regardless of who got what but we didn't have enough small bills between us to have it work out.

"I owe you five."


Later, walking down the street he again mentions that he owes me. My friends owe me nothing and he knows this so I said "I usually settle your debts with your wife."

"Oh really? I'll call her right now and tell her" he said as he raised his dialed cell phone to his ear. "Hi, Honey. Timmy said he usually settles my debts with you....Okay, bye."

He didn't tell me what his wife said that night and by the next day he didn't remember the phone call.

Hopefully his wife forgets as well.
since January 18, 2004 over twelve hundred posts

what's that average?

almost two a day?

you would think I had something to say
It was a cloudless night and the stars were bright, too bright, I squinted towards the heavens as if to ask "Can you turn it down a bit?" when I noticed the belt of Orion then I wondered when I learned about constellations and about the other things I may know but can't remember until needed.
I sort of feel like I was pounding Vodka shots all night long. The kind of feeling like I somehow ended up with glass shards in my gut. I wasn't pounding Vodka shots, there were some beers, there was a fine dinner, there was some wine with the fine dinner, there was a cappuccino, there was Italian pastry and there was one Scotch on the rocks.

I wonder if I could cough up blood. I'm not going to try.

At lunch she sold me that she was going to dinner in the little Italy section. I told her I was doing the same. After the Italian pastry and cappuccinos, the four of us that were still around started walking to our favorite bar when we decided to buy lottery tickets, two of us went in the corner store and Dave and I stayed out. I turned around when I heard my name called out.

"Timmy!" she said and then hugged me.

"Hey, Danielle" I said as I smiled my biggest smile.

"Are you drunk?"

"Possibly" She already knew I had at least four beers because she's the one that served them to me.

She then said she was going to the best bakery in the neighborhood for pastry. I told her we had just come from the second best bakery and that we were only there because we wanted to sit down. She was dinning with one of her girlfriends and she was running to the bakery while her friend was using an ATM. I watched her cross the street and disappear into a doorway four buildings down. My friends came out with the scratch tickets. We all scratched. We all lost. I was watching when Danielle came back out with a small box and she yelled her hello to my two friends that had been in the corner store as she was almost running up the street. I looked to where she was running and noticed her friend so then it was my turn yell across the street.

Her friend used to work with her at the bar and grill. She used to let me order things not on the 'specials' menu. We had a quick conversation across the busy street. I had to jog a bit to catch up with my friends. At the bar we ordered three Scotch on the rocks and a Bud Draft. We were served our drinks when I asked if the bartender wanted to join us. She conveyed a message that indicated I should have asked before she poured the drinks so I told her we would wait, and we did. After all the clinking we started drinking.

The other two Scotch drinkers finished first and said their goodbyes, the beer drinker was finishing his beer when my cell phone rang.

"Hey! Where are you?"

"I'm still at the bar."

"Oh, because we just realized that we didn't pay for those drinks."

"Yeah, I noticed. I thought it was kinda cool that you were comfortable enough with our friendship to just to walk out and leave me with the bill, without saying anything."

"We'll catch you later"

"Don't worry about it. I've got it."

We were undercharged for our Christmas spirits
I should just open this up to Q&A cause I got nothing.

I like saying clusterfuck but there aren't too many times when saying that is appropriate.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Justice Card
You are the Justice card. Justice preserves the
harmony of the world. Working with opposite
forces, Justice does not seek to criticize or
condemn but rather to accept. The idea behind
the card justice is that opposite forces are
complementary; you could not have good without
evil or light without darkness. Justice's
position is to make sure that if a thing is out
of balance, the weight of its energy is
realigned with its opposite force. This card is
also a card of humour, for it is in pointing
out contrary positions that humour is often
found. The attitude that is found in the
humourous person, being able to shift
perspective and flow with an instinct, is
important in the maintenance of good balance.
Image from The Blue Moon Tarot Deck.

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
He came in all flustered with hands that were shaking and spewed forth all of his misadventure. It was the same old same old. He should really just relax.
Folks sighing loudly = pet peeve

that kind of sigh you hear when someone is walking back from the networked printer

that kind of sign you hear when someone is lamenting that it's a Tuesday instead of a Friday

that kind of sign you hear when someone thinks they have it bad when they really don't


I honestly think my next cube neighbor is insane and I believe his job made him that way.

There is a constant, consistent stream of noise from over the 64.5" partition.

"Oh man." *sigh* "Damn it"
*that noise folks make when they're stretching* "God help us"
"That's no good" said while reading the newspaper.
♫"Well, I can't stop this feeling anymore..." ♫
then his whistles Do-Re-Mi

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

You're the color blue. You have the three c's in
life--you're cool, caring and confident.
Trustworthy and honest, people are naturally
attracted to you. You're unusually optimistic,
but that makes life all the better. You're an
imaginative person who loves sleeping and
dreaming. Hard-working and determined, you
excell in school. You're everybody's favorite,
and this is because you have this undefined
richness in your personality and attitude.
Mild-tempered and stable. Not to mention very
intelligent. Along with the fact that you're
conservative, you're worried about the
environment. So basically, you're a generous,
dependable and devoted--just the kind of person
everybody needs. Wouldn't it be great if
everybody in the world were like you?

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

My immediate supervisor

"Listen. I've got to ask you. How is that project coming?"

"To tell you the truth, I could finish it today but if I do, then I'll have to start a new project right before vacation."

"Oh. …Okay. …Yeah, don't start anything new before you leave. You're right. I just asked because I wanted to know how you were coming."

Damn right I'm right, I told them the fifteenth and that's when I'll be done. You get no gold stars for finishing early you just get more work. Damn it.

If I start something new now, when I get back the new thing will be two weeks and three days old and nothing on it will be done.

I kinda forget what I used to do before this project.
"What did you do this weekend?"

I smiled and said "I can't remember" after a few moments of trying to remember.

"That's not good" my friend said as he and the bartender both laughed.

"I wasn't drinking. I just don't remember."

"Setting up her tree?" she asked.

"No, that's already up."

"Are you banging her?"

"Not yet"

"Is married?"

"Not anymore"

"How old is she?"

"She's twelve years older than me. Whatever that math is."

"That's old.…So, she just treats you like a husband?"

"Yeah, but just the nagging and the chores part Oh, I remember but they were secret things."

"Things like what?"

"There are things I'm not at liberty to discuss."

I actually could have told them if we were alone, I can trust the both of them to be discreet but there were others about. I worry about others.
I didn't know what I would do but then I never do, even right before it's about to happen. I don't seek out confrontations but I don't shy away from then either.

A friend and I were just hanging out for lunch when another patron came in, he sat at a table. He looked odd, and acted odd, nothing too extreme but it made you wonder about the labels that corresponded to his problems. Drink, mental illness, drugs?

My friend was positioned to watch the guy better than I could and noticed he had a bottle and casually made mention of it to the barkeep. A female regular passed by to casually check the guy out and noticed that his pants were unbuttoned and unzipped. The bartender went over and told the guy that drinks from outside weren't allowed. The guy claimed that his bottled beverage was just water, but his bottle carried more than just water so she asked him to leave. He asked for his dollar fifty tip back. She gave him two bucks back.

He took quite awhile to gather his things and then he took his duffle bag, shopping bag and a couple other carried things to the bathroom. My friend and I were already late to return but neither of us was willing to leave the bartender with the strange man in bar, we already settled up so we were just sitting there pretending to watch the sports highlights displayed on the T.V.'s.

My friend decided he would go back which left me to stay. I was talking on my cell phone when another regular, a bartender from a different bar, came in, I knew he could be trusted to prevent any problems so I focused on the problem on my phone, wondering if the person on the other end could her the rock music playing in the background. The background music wasn't bothering me too much because I had a finger in one ear and my phone at the other. A few minutes later the problem customer ascended the stairs and left with all his bundles. I watched the guy leave, and watched his progress past the plate glass windows until he was out of site. I finished my call and then said goodbye.

She quietly said 'Thank you"
she probably saved for over a year to buy the fur she's wearing

she wears the fur because she thinks that white trash doesn't wear furs

I wonder who she thinks she's fooling

it's a cheap fur despite the price she paid for it and anyone familiar with furs knows it

Monday, December 12, 2005

four or more, then there's worry

working downtown sirens no longer mean what they used to

there is always a pause to hear if additional vehicles are joining the first
I was making my way back to my desk when I caught a co-worker's eye. I smiled at him and asked how he was when he asked me how I was in reply.

"I'm great"

"Oh and why are you so happy?"

"I do coke in the bathroom"

I'm loved by all


I guess I was shooting video instead of getting ready to take a photo.

funny can't be forced

she supposed to be funny but i find her humor contrived

she seems to labor at it, maybe because her mother had a reputation for being humorous she feels a need to be a funny.

maybe her timing is off

i was getting more laughs

i tried to politely laugh with her but my pity for her sometimes got in the way

Forget the troubled day

I believe all the causes I have championed have been secondhand.


I just gave her my camera. I was going to wait until Christmas but I couldn't think of a reason to wait.

"I bought a new one. You can have it."

One troubled day, her preteen daughter gave hers away. I liked the idea of making her whole.
I casually, matter-of-factly said "Well, maybe if you were a better person" her eyes flashed fire and hate, the room got quiet, and then I just laughed. The room laughed with me, the fire left her eyes as she called me an ass. The hate left a little later.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

A friend, that's more actually of a friend of a friend, had three brain tumors removed from his head. He thinks it's time for him to write his memoirs.

I guess he doesn't type or maybe he can't – now, so I was asked to install voice recognition software onto his laptop computer, to make sure every thing was working I trained it to my voice, despite my Boston accent it recognized what I was saying.

I would rather learn to type, though, if that were a possibility.

I've forgotten the good stuff for my memoirs.

There are still times I'll read a name in the newspaper, someone accepting some higher position somewhere, and I'll say to myself "Hey, I know them."

…But that was long ago.

Someone else told me today that they have never seen me mad.

"I wish I had your demeanor" she said.

I offered no reply.

She came in at seven, walked behind that bar and said hello to the other bartenders and before she was completely finished with her greetings she stopped and announced "It smells like a douche in here."

I don't know if she actually made eye contact with the patron that was directly in front of her or not as she was making her statement but he put the cover back on the malt vinegar and started using the ketchup for his fries.

Friday, December 09, 2005

poe tay toe poe tat toe

She called me a liar.

"I'm a performer, an entertainer, a teller of stories."

"You lied"

"When you read a work of fiction, do you call the author a liar? When you watch television do you call the actors liars?"

"Ahh - ya lied" she said with some dismissive hand gesture.

"I'm just an actor in this play of life and the world is my stage" is what I tried to say with a straight face but I cracked up laughing because I was lying but it was for the sake of entertainment.
So, you know it was just a matter of time.

You know I wouldn't go without it.

I was only kidding myself.

We all know that

Thursday, December 08, 2005

So, I escaped the office and was working in some public place minding my own business trying not to make eye contact with anyone because I'm hogging a table for four and I'm just a one, when for some reason I glanced up and saw this dude and said to myself "That dude looks like Anti" and I grinned a bit and the dude grinned back.

So, yeah it looked like I was flirting with a dude.

I knew it wasn't Anti because why would anyone from LA fly out to Boston.
We were having coffee just like we usually do, talking about the plans for the day, trying to work out the car situation, guessing the snow totals, planning the Christmas gathering when someone asked what the date was, "December the seventh"

"The seventh? Shit - Pearl Harbor Day"

"And you know what I didn't read anything about it in the papers" is what the only veteran in the group said.

Then we started talking about snow again.
So, there I was stringing lights on a nine foot artificial Christmas tree.

I'm not certain if the Christmas is artificial or if it's just the tree that's fake.

It took about two hours to find the lights, get them to work by replacing bulbs and put them on the tree. She likes the lights a certain way, a way in which the wires aren't too visible. Towards the end I thought "What a waste of time" because in four weeks someone will be undoing all that I've done.

But I wasn't there for me and if left to my own devices I would have been doing much of nothing.

I was told the tree looked great. I said "I think it looks okay."

"I'm going to jump in the shower. Could you just make sure the basement is locked."

"Yup. Just let me check those mouse traps before I forget."

The mouse traps where up stairs in her bedroom, while I was setting them I actual saw the mouse.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

So, I got to meet one of the boyfriends before some of her co-workers so I'm being asked about him.

"Is he cute?"

"I wouldn't say he's cute but he's good looking."

"So he's ugly"

"No. It's just that I would say he's more good looking than he is cute."

"Is he hot?"

"Listen, I'm not answering that...but I wanted to do him right there."
I'm kind of in the middle of an experiment.

I like to say that I don't drink because I like drinking but I drink because I like hanging out at the bar and one usually drinks when hanging out at the bar so I drink.

But sometimes, even though I've never actually heard myself say "Boy, would I like a drink" and then go to the bar, I wonder if booze is a factor. I have heard myself say "Boy, would I like a drink" and then grab a bottle of something at the house.

Enjoying a drink is different from drinking.

So, I figure I'll go booze-free for awhile.

But I still go to the bar for lunch.

The fourteenth is a secret Christmas Party (invite only) for the day job and the sixteenth is a nonsecret Christmas Party for the second job. I'm sort of expected to be at the second party cause of my station in life.

During the planning for the first party it was stated to start at the bar, go to eat, then go back to the bar.

"We won't get a seat at the bar then" I said.

"What do you just want to stay at the bar all night?"

I didn't answer. My opinion is known. If the goal is to get screwed up on alcohol, why fuss about with a proper diner interrupting your drinking. We could sit at the bar and be kings, is all I'm saying but we have to be sitting at the bar. We would get even better treatment than usual because usually we're not all there at night. The barkeeps would consider it their mission to get us wrecked.

I suppose a little dining finely would bother me much.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I'm big on tourism.

At twelve thirty, I was the only one to occupy a stool. Jen was serving the drinks, she was a little hung over from the Friday night before so we thought a shot might set her straight. I was drinking Bloody Mary's otherwise.

She said the shot helped. I know mine helped me.

People started to trickle in and a tourist from Milwaukee sat to my left, he was the only one to remain after forty minutes.

"I would like a shot" the guy eventually informed the barkeep.

"A shot of what?"

"Jameson. Would you like one?"

"I only like Vodka"

He didn't want Vodka so he turned to me and asked the same question.

"Sure" was my answer

"Yeah, he'll drink anything" she said as she laughed.

Then there was a discussion about hard liquor and the two others concluded that gin makes people angry.

"I guess I'll stop ordering my gin drinks then" I said.

Then Jen thought for a moment. "I've never seen you angry. Isn't that strange?"

I thought it would have been stranger if she had seen me angry but what I said was "It happens from time to time. Sometimes, you have to get loud to get stuff done."

"I hear you but still I've never seen you angry"

"Maybe later I'll start a fight"

"Yeah. I'd like to see that"

After another Bloody Mary, I ordered a reciprocal shot of Jameson for my out of town friend and asked Jen if she wanted another shot of Vodka. The three of us downed the mismatched shots together.

Later came and it was fight free
My camera still exists. I noticed it on my friend's kitchen table. She wasn't at home. I was there just setting up her Christmas tree. I let myself in the back door.

I miss my camera but I can't think of one instance where I said to myself "I wish I had my camera" in the past two and a half weeks.

I've set up her tree for years, even before she was divorced.

Normally, I would just go and buy another camera but I'm trying to stop pissing money away. I sometimes spend foolishly and you know what they say "a fool and his money are soon parted."

I don't need a camera.

I waste my talents, even the ones I don't know about.

Once for my father's birthday, us kids bought him a Randall knife. They were all custom made back then and the waiting list was eight years or so. It took us awhile to save up the money. We got his name stamped into the blade.

He had a Randall once but lost it when his canoe tipped over. It was either save his pregnant wife or save the knife. He lost his knife.

My mother recently held forth the knife, us kids gifted him so long ago. It was being stored in its leather sheath. The leather ring handle was showing moisture damage, it was opaque white towards the end. She asked if I knew how to fix it. I told her to wet it. She did and the leather rings shown through. I said saddle soap and some oil will fix it and I was about to tell her that it shouldn't be stored in the sheath but before I could she asked if I wanted it. I stifled a 'Hell ya' and just said "Yes" instead.

It's not stored in its leather sheath anymore.
He was the type of guy that didn't fear death. It didn't make him brave.

It did make him bold.

You could see in his eyes that he was ready to fight to the death. You could also see that he recognized no equal. It didn't make him brave.

It did make him bold.

Monday, December 05, 2005

We were drinking. I thought we were just drinking at the same time. She thought we were drinking together.

She told me she wanted to leave her boyfriend after eight years of being together. I was careful with what I said in reply. I didn't want to be on the hook for any new boyfriend duties. Somehow she must have picked up on it because later she said "I'm not looking for a husband I just want to fuck you" I offered no reply.

She started to speak of past relationships and showed me a diamond ring and said something I couldn't quite hear but I gathered she kept the ring as a fine to the one that let her down.

"I've never told that to anyone before" she said as she started to cry. She grabbed my hand. I just kept looking towards the ring trying to give her as much privacy as possible. She found more privacy on my left shoulder as she grabbed my hand tighter.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

I listen because I hope some day I'll find someone to trust to hear me

She leaned over the bar and said “I’ve wanted to talk to you but it’s hard to compete with tears.”

It was a slightly awkward situation because I would have rather not been a victim of the tears but when a woman shows you honest tears it something hard to escape unless you have an uncaring heart of stone. I tried to harden mine but she caught me by surprise and by the time I realized what was happening it was too late.

There a certain level of trust that’s expended, a level of trust that’s hard to ignore even if it is alcohol induced. I knew her life left her untrusting and I was a devote advocate of trust. I was trapped by my own morals, there was no escape.

I glanced over my shoulder to the stairs which a lonely woman just descended moments ago making sure she wasn’t returning just that moment “What can you do?” I asked.

“You’re a nice guy.”

“Yeah, There’s no hope for me.”

Then from downstairs, she returned from the lady’s room and continued to literally cry on my shoulder.

There’s a reason she doesn’t order chop suey.

Her mother divorced her father after thirteen years of marriage. She was five the youngest of eight. Three years later another alcoholic feel in love with her mother only her mother wasn’t going to marry another alcoholic. He promised to give up and as far as she knew he did, he never drank in front of her but then he wasn’t always in front of her.

She had a greater attraction to him than any other of her seven siblings maybe because she had less memories of her biological father, maybe because the world hadn’t damaged her trust enough as the others.

One day a request for Chinese food was made and he offered to pick it up. It should have taken twenty minutes but he was late in returning. The head on collision had caused a permanent delay.

To this day she doesn’t eat Chinese food.

Friday, December 02, 2005

So, I got some of the dough I was owed.

It was a slight surprise much like the amount of cash that still resides in my checking account.

"Nice sweater" I looked down to see which sweater I was wearing when she said "I didn't buy that one did I?"


"Nice jacket...although it's looks worn." She had bought me the jacket, black suede.

"I like the worn look."

"I know"