Halloween

Hurricane Monday

I tell myself

I tell myself to just deal with the present.

But both the past and the future haunt me.

Prior

My feet weren't moving.

My mind wasn't turning.

I was unaware of things changing.

My world was getting smaller and smaller to the point I could not see past my arm's length.

Calls from beyond the length of my arm were distant and impossible to connect with.

I imagine from the outside it was like trying to wake someone up from a coma.

I could hear but I could not respond.

The leaves are falling like large snowflakes. I guess it is Fall.

Membership

(Friday, instead of drinking)

My membership gets me previews and I feel a little stupid not using them so I end up seeing more exhibits than I typically would.

I try to get into the mood. I try to not feel guilty and sad.

It was some photographer's work. I actually recognized some photos even if I didn't recognize the name.

One of his quotes about the space says that he tries to push the edge.

I thought: "there are times I do that."
But usually it is in some unpleasant way. I will say something that goes about almost too far.

I don't really enjoy the exhibit and I blame it on the crowd which really wasn't a crowd at all.

At 3:30pm we started making plans at work on what to do after. I said that I would not be joining them I said that I was done drinking for the day. I got a couple of eyebrows to go up.

I get a pumpkin latte. I do not like lattes.

I do like pumpkin though.

I didn't know how much of his photos were real there is something about catching the moment and that thing is different than creating the moment either physically or digitally,

She then mentioned something about chandeliers and morano glass

The work week has started

My goal today I'd to get ride of some clutter. There is a chance that today might be almost normal.

When she left me this note, I wondered what type of drugs she was on. It was at a time when I did not feel I had any patience for anything and I felt angry and frustrated and ineffective. I know she had heard me get a little curt on the phone a couple of times and also heard me complain about the workplace. I tried to buy her good favor by gifting her a tape dispenser that was in the playful shape of a women's red shoe. More than once I had caught her using my stapler when i had left my desk so as a joke I was going to give her a stapler but then I saw the shoe tape dispenser and thought it would be a better gift. She certainly had a different view of what was going on in my cube than I had had.

Out the kitchen window

From my kitchen window I can see my world. Well, not my whole world. Actually, when I looking out the kitchen window a lot of my world is behind me or to the left because my kithcen is in the front of the house and to the right. I just think that "from my kitchen window I can see my world," is a pretty fair opening line. I spend a bit of time in the kitchen and a lot of that time involves looking out the window mostly because the kitchen sink is under a large window and coffee mugs and dinner plates do not wash themselves. From the window, I can see most of my front yard, the city street beyond that and the city park beyond the street. Last Sunday, I was looking out the window and noticed a landscaping crew, they were planting a tree. I thought it was odd for the city to be planting a tree on a Sunday afternoon. I thought it was odd that a crew of three from a private landscaping company were planting a tree. I thought it odd that, other than the crew of three, there was nobody else around. I thought that the scene before was eyes was not legitimate but then I thought "Who would be so bold as to plant a tree in a city park without permission?" I told myself to relax and to mind my own business. I said to myself "Who cares if folks are planting a tree?" Even though I cared, people just cannot do whatever they feel like on city property. I tried to let it go. I made a deal with myself that I would not persue the issue of the tree unless it presented itself. I felt that it presented itself Tuesday mornign when I was sitting across the table from someone from the Parks Department. I asked who would know if a tree was supposed to be planted or not and mentioned why I was asking. I was told the arborist for the city would know. When I got back to my desk after I settled all of my urgent issues, I sent the arborist an email and told him everything I thought was odd about what I had seen on Sunday. His reply was that he remembered receiving a request for a memorial tree but that he guessed that the requester didn't like his answer {and planted the tree on his own}. It is relatively easy to kill a tree. Especially a young freshly planted tree. On a different note, it is not uncommon for me to be able to hear the guy in the cube next to mine chewing which is almost as bothersome as hearing the guy in the other cube next to mine slurping his coffee. It is not all bubbles and sunshine where I am.

There is this guy I know from the bar who at one time I disliked immensely. He was violent and angry and didn't seem to be able to control himself but over time I started to listen to what he said. He would say mean things to people when teasing them and at times he was very quick with it. Over time I learned that he is smart, loyal and dependable while still being violent, angry and lacking self control. He sees things differently than most people. He has made some bad life decisions and has gone to prison but he feels like he makes the right decisions but that things just turn out horribly for him. I will tell people that in his head he thinks he is making the right decision but that sometimes stabbing a guy is the right decision. He tries to visit his son but then he will get a restraining order taken out against him because he called his mother in law a stupid cunt during an arguement about how he should get to visit his son. I think that he basically has a good heart but his brain is off. And I think his brain was damaged early on in his life. He tries but he doesn't have the proper equipment to succeed. And I think that is how I feel about my coworker. He is still that guy that has helped me to succeed. He is still a careing and helpful soul but part of his brain is different than what most people consider normal.

Intent

There was a meeting called relating to the news that broke over the weekend. It was explained that the Employee Assistance Program would be making counseling available. The boss was saying it was like a death in the family, which I didn’t disagree with. The person I knew is gone. He is someone I would go to when I was asked to do something that I personally thought was stupid. He would often agree that the thing was stupid and then either tell me that folks knew it was stupid and wanted it done anyway or he would tell me that he would find out if folks knew about why I thought the thing was stupid and get back to me. He was the person that I would go to when I needed to find out how I should handle a situation. He was the person I would go to when I needed to find out the history of a thing. When I read the story, I thought: “I should un-friend him.” I didn’t, but I then thought, when is the appropriate time? After the arrest? After the arraignment? After the conviction? How do you balance the good with what is the heinous? Are there two separate parts? Is there just one part with a bad section? Is the whole part bad but it occasionally does good? Can there be a true separation of thoughts that are good and thoughts that are evil? What he did was way over any acceptable line but it makes me wonder where the line is. Does the line move sometimes based on the person? He crossed the line but where he was stopped was far from where others sometimes go. Did his mind get twisted or did he just let it go to where it wished? Were the forces internal or external? Could it have been stopped or was it only ever partially controlled? “In various stages of undress.” Where is the line on that? Someone taking their shoes off. Someone taking their shirt off at a pool. Someone standing in their underwear in a doctor’s office. I think of the word intent. His intent was evil at some level so any stage of undress is a problem, even if shoes were just being removed. I think we all have our own lines based on individual circumstances or intent but somewhere there is a universal line that applies to everyone everywhere. I wonder where my line is. When you are dealing with consenting adults in the privacy of your own home, the line is a lot different.

Reading

Reading that a trusted coworker was busted for possession of child porn is not so great.

Thursday

I baked a cake because it was somebody's birthday.

The cake has butter cream frosting on it that is flavored with unsweetened chocolate. The ciabatta bread is flavored with fermented yeast and flour.

There was not a crowd

There was just me

Columbus Day

There is a broom in the basement whose main purpose is to knock down cobwebs.

To do one thing I had to do three other things.

Each step I am behind takes four steps to accomplish.

Saturday

Saturday

October 6, 2012

There was a Friday post but it was short and short lived.

Friday's post was mostly reminding me that it was Friday the 5th and then when I went about my business I dated a memo the 4th. I was told that a helper raccoon would fix that problem but I am also told that raccoon to date are a non unionized workforce and I work in a closed shop. I guess the raccoon could be hired as a consultant.

I left most of my electronic devices at home along with my messenger back and my jacket. The forecast was for 78 degrees as a high and a gathering of co-workers at a bar.

I didn't feel like going out after work but sometimes it is important to actually demonstrate that you are part of a group. There was this one guy going who usually doesn't go so I felt a little obligated to attend.

The place was too loud and eventually got too crowded.

I was reminded why I like to drink alone.

Saturday

My back ached a little less than usual is what I noticed when I realized that I was awake at 3AM.

I was in and out of sleep until I rolled out of bed right before 8AM.

I feed the cats, didn't feed the turtle and replenished the water in the pot by the sink that has the bamboo in it. The cats like to drink from the pot with the bamboo, which is better than drinking from the toilet.

I made an egg, ham and cheese sandwich on a toasted English muffin. I thought about the one egg and one slice of cheese and the one piece of ham and thought it was pretty good for portion control. Otherwise, I might have had a three egg omelette with peppers and onions, ham and cheese with a side of toast.

I then made some coffee grabbed my house keys and stepped out to the deck. That is where I am now. It is probably about sixty degrees. It is the Fall. I will not get too many more chances to sit outside in the morning without a jacket.

The lawn is wet and hasn't been mowed in at least two weeks. The last time that I neglected the lawn a coworker that lives in the area mentioned it. He was not mean about it and he didn't seem to be judgmental but I still thought, "Well, yeah, fuck you," but I kept that thought to myself.

The lawn should be mowed, there is little doubt about that.

...

Yesterday I was at the ATM on the first floor of where I work and I keyed in the wrong pin number and then I heard a loud sigh from behind me. I thought, "You have got to be kidding me," to whatever made the sigh. Then I keyed in another wrong pin number and I heard another sigh but I refused to look behind me. On the third try I got the number sequence right on the account that I rarely use and then turned to look at the person making the sighs.

I said, "You know, I didn't know if it was some asshole I didn't know or what, but now I see it's an asshole that I know." It was just one of my buddies giving me a hard time but I think I might need to change my pin numbers to something I can remember better.

Thursday

October 4, 2012

It is Thursday.

This is mostly just a reminder to myself. Mostly reminding me that it is Thursday and also October 4th.

It was a little coincidental that as she was telling me that I buy things to fill a hole, that I could hear UPS sliding a box across the front porch floor. UPS no longer bothers with knocking on the door, they just leave the stuff on the enclosed front porch, which is quite  fine with me.

It is trash day today. That is a reminder to myself as well.

I cooked something Tuesday. I actually cooked something Saturday as well but I don't count what I did on Saturday as cooking; I baked bacon and fried home fries in my twelve inch cast iron skillet. I also scrambled some eggs. Looking back on it, I don't know why I do not count that as cooking.

Tuesday, I cut a 3lb beef roast into small pieces and browned it in a nonstick pan. I tossed in an onion and four carrots, along with some homemade chicken stock. I was finished at about 8:45PM.

I try not to eat after 7:15PM. So much for that.

The Boston Public Library is having a free depression screening on Tuesday.

I have requested to take next week off.

I have to make certain that I have everything set to go for the next three weeks.

This post is as boring as a presidential debate.

Cat-binet

Friday forward

Friday morning I again was feeling like I was not accomplishing anything. I was busy but i was not making any progress with the stack of paperwork on my desk. By lunchtime I was sort of resolved to the fact that I would be even further behind by the end of the day. But then the phone stopped ringing and people stopped coming by my cube assign questions; I ended up doing the paperwork for eight events, which pretty much brought me up todate.

Saturday, I made some progress on the house and ended up finding thirty feet of half inch copper pipe which would have came in handy when a water pipe started leaking in the basement a couple of weeks ago.

Sunday, I feel was a waste. So of course I focus on the Sunday.

It is not that I forget, it is most likely I never got the chance to remember

The way I remember to spell the word 'their' is to tell myself that the word 'the' is how it starts.

I do not think that my brain stores information like most people's but I haven't really ever investigated it.

There are times that I will tell myself that the word that I want to spell is spelled the opposite of what I think it should be but then when I get more familiar with the word, I forget which way is the opposite way.

I usually have to anchor my memories to some existing memory to get myself to remember.

Strong feelings

I cannot believe that I am advocating for soup.

I can understand not likely certain soups but to say all soups everywhere suck is something I do not understand. I am not a love of soup but I have eaten some good soups which include chili's and stews.

(this one is about you)

...

Things have not been too delightful lately and I am most likely over stressed and I deal with stress by reducing myself to the size of a few molecules which means my world gets very tiny, so tiny that I cannot work a keyboard.

Keep an eye on your old folks

My desire was to just get home and do some laundry; staying late and working weekends were starting to take a toll.

At the trolley station an old woman was having trouble getting through the turnstile and what looked to be her adult children were already on the other side. The old lady seemed a little panicy and confused. Her problem was simple though, there was not enough credit on the pass she was using but her family didn't seem to be offering any help.

I was only there a moment and in the moment she failed to get the gates opened twice and she tossed her hands up.

I have a monthly pass which pretty much lets me ride and local train, bus or trolley but I cannot use it at the same station after a fifteen minute wait.

I told the lady that I would get her in and pressed my pass to the sensor on the turnstile an dit opened but she didn't step through, she was still confused so I gave her a little push and told her to hurry.

I wondered whose idea it was to leave this confused lady on the outside of the station while they went through first.

I then turned and left the station and walked to the next closest.

Keep an eye on your old folks.

On the bus

Pride

Memorial Day weekend plus Tuesday

It has probably been over a decade since this room has had a ceiling.

On top of the bookshelf with all the cookbooks

The cats are limited to two rooms at the moment and this is one of the only places where they can get direct sunlight.

Monday

The new copier seems great but when the office is quiet you can hear every beep; and it beeps a lot.

…

My patience seems to be gone.

…

I wanted mason jars and was having trouble finding them so I went to the supermarket where I had seen them last. It was about five o’clock in the evening.

There was an area by the front of the store that looked like a small tornado hit and I noticed a couple of Mothers’ Day things about. Also about were a couple of people waiting for what turned out to be balloons and flowers which were brought out from some back room.

In my head, I ridiculed all of those people who had forgotten about Mothers’ Day; even though I sometimes forget what the present day is.

…

I brought my lunch with me today. I figure that it will save money and also make it easier to eat better and also to eat less. I have a hard time remember that I do not need to “clean my plate” and that paying for and leaving food that will be throw away is not as bad as overeating.

I am trying to pay more attention to a few things.

I rolled a slice of Black Forest Ham, Genoa Salami, and Harvarti Cheese into two leaves of Romaine Lettuce along with a little bit of red onion in the middle. I also have carrots and a dill pickle.

…

We celebrated Mothers’ Day a week earlier because we did not want to deal with the unnecessary drama of Mothers’ Day on Mothers’ Day but we did also do a little something on Mothers’ Day just because mothers can be strange sometimes.

Wednesday

I don't remember the last time that I was that angry.

I wanted everyone to shut up. Their voices seemed to be driving me crazy. My iTunes were also making me angry, I hated every sound coming from the computer speakers.

I tried to take a mental step backwards; the situation taking place should not have been enough to cause me any concern but yet I was as angry as I have ever been. I was in the office so I really couldn't tell everyone to shut the fuck up which caused me some frustration which then caused a strong desire to escape the area.

I leave my desk frequently, I get coffees, make copies, ask questions of people in other offices, go to Staples and other do other things that get me away from my desk but at that exact moment, I had no place to go and for some reason I was refusing to be driven from my desk.

My anger subsided even though the noise of the office didn't.

I then started checking dates for when I could take a vacation.

Next

The meeting was scheduled for 1PM to 5PM. My work day is from 8AM to 4PM.

A contract was being negotiated.

Every time the other side would leave, I would think about how much I didn't want to be there. My mind would wander to things I should be doing, things that have been holding me back. Things that have been causing my life to stagnate.

I wondered if "stepping up" was a mistake. I tried to reconcile my expectations of others and those of myself. I think more people should step up and do things but if I do not step up in certain ways then how can I expect other to step up? I thought more people should get involved in the union, even though I am not a huge fan of labor unions. The union is there, it is a closed shopped, if you have to exist in it, you should try to make sure it works to the collective benefit of the membership.

It was that thinking that caused me to run for office. It wasn't much of a run, there was just one nominee, just like most every other election where the 'leaders' end up pleading with folks to fill the offices.

I fell into vice president. I figured that it would be easy and it was until the president quit. I still hold it against him somewhat. But "people need to step up" was still my stated belief.

I watched the time change from my normal work day into my free time. I watched the time go past the end of average work day, the scheduled end of the meeting, and further into the evening. I watched the time go past other unclassified periods and then I started to worry about whether or not the public transit system would still be running when we finally would get to leave.

Progress was slow and stopped on occasion. I entertained the thought of quitting, just to be finished for the day but someone would always start things back up.

We ended up with an agreement that some people hated. I thought the agreement was livable, probably fair and maybe in some instances approaching good.

I signed the line some time after 9:30PM and I was glad to be done with that portion of it.

I would say that it is down hill from here but it is really more of a plateau but I can at least see where the downward slope begins, and once I reach the valley, I will soon be done. And then I can focus more on me and those things.



I wonder how you are.

Internet is in and out

The Internet connection is in and out more than usual today but then my thoughts are more out than in today.

my nerves seem to be bare today.

I want everyone to shut up.

Dozen plus six

I just wanted some eggs and what I do when I want some eggs I go get eggs.

I purchased a couple other things while I was at the supermarket: whole coffee beans, chicken breasts, bread and such. I noticed a shopping cart in the parking row next to mine. I noticed it because there was a dark heap lying next to it. The heap had the shape of a person. I watched the cart and the heap as I went to my truck. I watched at least five people pay no heed to the heap. I thought maybe the heap was something similar to a discarded trash bag of laundry. I loaded my truck and put the cart into the corral. I noticed another person do nothing about the heap. The cart next to the heap was loaded neatly with what looked like items from the supermarket.

The area is not known for vagrants.

I walked across the lot to the cart and the heap. The cart was still a cart when I stood next to it but the heap was a woman.

She looked like she was asleep. She looked to be about mid-thirties. She looked clean. She looked pale and a little bit shiny. I thought there was a chance she was dead. "Miss, are you okay?" I asked and received no reply. I asked again and shook her at the upper arm and received no reply. I repeated my actions a second time and again received no reply. I thought I was committed. I could no longer just just walk away.

If she was dead she wasn't dead too long because she wasn't cold.

Then she moved a little. I asked again if she was okay and by now there was a couple nearby. The man had a posture as if he was willing to help but there was really nothing for him to do. She said, "Yes."

I watched her roll over a little as if she was going to get up but she didn't get up. I asked if she needed help. She said, "Yes," but her body language indicated that she meant to say no.

She then tried to get up but she couldn't. She was acting as a person who just woke from a deep sleep. I wondered how long she had been sleeping there. I wondered how she ended up passed out in a supermarket parking lot. She reached her hand out indicating that she wanted help up.

I remembered that I merely just wanted eggs.

I grabbed her hand but I have lifted enough people off of the ground to know that it is difficult to for a person to get up by just being lifted by the hand so I stepped a little closer and placed my other hand under her upper arm. The guy close by stepped a little closer to help her if she needed more help or maybe just to be ready in case she was going to fall back down.

She looked a little unstable on her feet but she also seemed to be done with receiving help. I headed back to my truck and the couple proceeded to their car.

I watched her through my windshield. She was just standing for a little bit. She seemed to be trying to get her body to work and then she walked away.

Point two

In the course of three days I walked by this spot over from beyond the finish line a dozen times.

There are times when I just have to wait.

I have to be somewhere before the roadways get closed for some special event and then I have to wait for that event to happen.

It is usually not a long wait but I usually end up drinking more coffee than I probably should but I also try to check my email and other Internet related things; I seek out the free wifi.

She was sitting with her father who seemed to be constantly checking in with his wife. She seemed to be smoothered by his attention; her personal freedom seemed to be infringed upon. He would leave her alone for a moment and then he would ask her how she was doing or some other unimportant question. She was looking about probably trying to figure out the reason for the slight increase of energy on a Saturday morning. The type of energy a 5K race brings about.

I think she knew I was doing more than just checking my email.

Sometimes I just try to breath

painting of paintings

I feel someone is playing a joke on me

I just want to sit and be alone and gather my thoughts.

I started in the cafe and sat at a long table by myself. I ordered a coffee just to make it look like I had something to do. I chose the table as a second choice because some old lady beat me to one of the little tables.

I didn't think it was a big deal because if someone else sat at the other end of the table, I would still have my privacy. Someone did sit at the other end of the table and it so happened that she had five friends. There were six seats at the table.

I sat at the crowded table drinking my coffee and checking my schudele for the next two weeks.

I noticed that there are something's missing from my calendar.

It wasn't going to be practical to wait those folks out so I headed over to the Shirpiro Courtyard were I knew there would be available seats.

I sat in one of those available seats. It was at the end of a long bench that had a young lady sitting directly in the center. I thought it wasn't a big deal because I would still have my privacy. I could sit with my iPod in my lab and type with two hands. It would not be as comfortable as typing at the table would have been but it would be doable.

I pulled out my tablet and opened a window for a new post and then three ladies sat right next to me. They sat so close that I had to move my messenger bag so that they could fit.

Being alone should not be that hard.

And now I forget what I was going to complain about.

Tins

Pistachios
Almonds, cashews, macadamian nuts
Dried cranberries, dried apricots, dried plums

Not shown was a hard boiled egg, carrot sticks and celery sticks.

Carrot Juice

Homemade carrot juice about 25-30 carrots.

Just some guy eating lunch

Photos

I had thirty minutes to walk around

I do not like being indicated on what not to do

He was patrolling the area clutching a plastic fork

Thirteen

My attention was drawn to him because he attached the styrofoam container being placed into the trash barrel.

He looked like he was in his mid thirties. He blonde shoulder length hair was unkempt but his short beard seemed trimmed rather neatly. His clothes looked clean but that maybe he had them on the previous day as well.

He not only grabbed for the container that was being thrown away but also one that had been thrown away and one whose owner wanted to throw it away. The group of three seemed a little perplexed but he didn't seem to care are he set the containers down to consoladate the contents.

I couldn't see into the containers but he threw them all away after a brief moment and went back to surveying the area.

He move rather quickly as see noticed possible means.

I was there eating a rather portion of chili that certainly did not match the seven dollar price tag. I had been busy all day and it wasn't until after three o'clock that I could leave.

I thought about giving the guy money but I have learned to wait on some of my impulses. I kept the small bag of oyster cracker closed.

As I was finishing my chili, I noticed a lady approach him. She stood directly in front of him and looked him in the eye as she spoke. She then followed him to the south end of the food court.

I was curious as to what the guy would have chosen for a meal so I followed them. The stopped at a place that sells six dollar slices of pizza.

Illiterates

The sign says "please keep off the lawn"