This is that crap I don't post

leaving the house today I left most of my accessories

i left the camera, the pda, the notebook, the fountain pen, the novel...

all that crap I carry in my Timbuk2 bag

it's just basically just my cell phone today



I forgot the point of this post

I saw this

lushlife

I wanted to comment but didn't know what to say which actually made me think of something to post, something that tied into me not having all my usual utilities




so, I still have a few, the change is that I keep it to a few and only have a few occasionally which is in contrast to the many I was having frequently.

anyway, I was at the regular place with my regular pals and we were getting a little goofy and I don't know why but the pal on my left deftly tossed a coaster edge up at some cleavage with the hope of the coaster getting stuck between her displayed bosoms.

I think such actions are rude.

He missed, he wasn't even close.


As we were close to leaving I pulled out a new pack of Orbit gum and crumpled the clear plastic wrapper into a tight ball and placed it at the edge of the bar. I was told by the bartender that she didn't want my trash and she tossed it back at me which I caught without looking at it.

She had every right to refuse my trash, if she was serious, but she was just joking about because she knows I'll even bus my own dishes on occasion when I get lunch so it's not like I'm making a lot of work for her.

She was standing in front of a trash bin so I glanced at the bin and was calculating on whether I could toss the wrapper from where I was sitting when the pal on my left said "I dare you to try." I looked over at him and he nodded to the aforementioned cleavage which was kind of obstructing my shot. I explained that I was looking at the trash container when I noticed that the bartender looked like she was daring me as well.

Well

I took the dare and flipped the plastic wrapper in a high arc and it landed right in that little triangle shaped space that was made between her breasts and her shirt which I think shocked her that I would do such a thing.


but then she shouldn't have dared me


my pal on the left then offered to fish out the wrapper



unabashed



fiction

I always have to say science fiction before I know that fiction means pretend because I know science fiction is pretend

and if fiction is pretend then nonfiction is for real


but this story is fiction or so I've been advised to say by my lawyers

that is, if I had a possibly incriminating story to tell

I want a net

so, I was looking about and then thought "What was my last post" and I thought of my last post and then I went to look at my last post

and

the last post I saw was not the post I thought it was


I have tickets to Tuesday night's game - box seats

I have to reschedule stuff

I haven't missed a Tuesday night at the second job in over seven years - it could be as much as twelve.

That's how much I've got going on.

And I've been to London, Paris, and Mexico in that same amount of time.

I would vacation for three weeks straight in Vermont but still drive back for Tuesday night.

That's how much I've got going on


Things are getting to me

Things aren't that bad - Things are good

I think the feeling of no escape is what is getting to me most


I've been working without a net for too long

I got nothing

which usually isn't a problem cause I'll post stuff anyway but lately nothing is making past the publish button.


I caught myself in a conversation the other day and I was struggling with my vocabulary. I was trying to express my dissatisfaction with something and to do it without cursing and I was at a loss for words.

I curse too much so my goal is to curse less

I'll miss "bullshit!" most of all

part of the problem is that ice coffee is more important than posting at the moment

unvacationer

Salespeople are starting to really bug me

if they knew what was best they would just leave me alone

because if I feel crowded

I just leave


“What are you looking for?” they will ask

I don’t know, that’s why I’m looking!

if I knew what I wanted I would be buying and not looking

a murder of crows

a crow flew up from behind at the height of the sparce treeline

it wasn't alone

it was followed by twelve others

thirteen in all

a murder of crows

trash of white

yesterday I got a Big Gulp and a thing of jerky from 7-11

Oh! and a lottery ticket.

I apologize to any apes I may have offended

"I just think folks are going to go ape shit with this new plan" and then I told him why

so he changed the plan

so now

I'm happy, again

so if was bad enough when buzznet would sort ‘my friends’ photos in order on most recently posted, I always felt a little pressure to post a new photo and my latest picture was making its way to the bottom of the list but now buzznut post exactly when you last posted a photo and exactly when ‘my friends’ posted their last photos

that’s just too much pressure

It’s not a competition, buzznet! is what I want to yell (even though on some level I think it is)

I’ll think I’ll just retime some of my existing pictures

almost a prequel but not

I was thinking it was a bit of a hike for that carpenter ant to walk all the way from the lawn, up the table leg, around the table top and then around my coffee mug, all for nothing because to the best of my knowledge carpenter ants don’t have any use for metal lawn furniture or columbian coffee with cream and sugar and I would most likely know because that’s the kind of trivia that gathers in the crooks of my brain.

I was wondering why he made the journey when one of his compatriots bounced off my arm and onto the table. He had fallen from the pear tree. The pear tree that is mostly dead and that has yet to sprout any hint of a pear in the years I have lived in this house.

This new ant caused me more concern than his caffeinated friend because I don’t like bugs falling on me, I don’t like carpenter ants in the trees in my yard and it also made me wonder what else could have fallen into my coffee mug from the tree because my arm was rather close to the mug when it happened. I was reading a book, while drinking my coffee, while sitting in my back yard so my attention wasn’t focused on what could or could not be in the mug.

I looked over my left shoulder at the pitiful tree as if I were looking for some divine revelation as to what to do but no revelation was revealed so I went back to reading my book. And as I read each word in order, I got a little more angry at those two ants. One ant ruined my coffee and the other had me worrying about when that pear tree will finally fall, hopefully, uneventfully into some blank void in my yard.

I closed my book and dumped the coffee that remained and went back inside.

damn ants.

being ‘the last hope’ gets to be a pain in the ass sometimes

“you’re my last hope! can you help?”


dude, I’ve got my own woes


I no longer look around to see if there is anybody else I can direct them to, because I know there is no one else.

I’m the last in the line

sometimes it’s just me in the line


there are times I wish I just had my own worries


you may ask yourself why do I take on other people’s worries

I do it because I know what it’s like not to have someone to turn to

so

the project started as something that would piss people off at first glance but once things were explained to folks I think they would be satisfied

but

after three weeks of work, things changed to something that will piss people off at first glance and ever glance after that and there will be no explanation, there will be no salvo, there will be no satisfaction

it came from the pearless pear tree

He was climbing up the outside of my coffee mug.

I remember thinking I hope he doesn’t fall in which I thought was a pessimistic thought because he was traveling more sidewise than towards the top to the rim.

But then he change his course almost as taking my concern as a dare and he traverse the rim and then started down and inside, so I approached him with an index finger to flick him up and away but I ended up knocking him in.

No worries – I thought he’s just a carpenter ant, he’s floating on top, I’ll fish him out. He was struggling, I readied my finger once again but before I could reach him he went under the surface. I thought –no worries, ants usually float, he’ll resurface – so I waited but he didn’t resurface.

I stared at the place where he went under and stared some more. The coffee was good, I didn’t want to just dump it but I didn’t want to drink a bug either and then I saw some slight movement under the surface so I put my finger just to the front of the motion and gently made a scooping movement and out came the ant on my finger, who I then flung to the lawn.

And then I wondered what else might be in that mug and not wanting to really find out I poured out the last half inch coffee.

before now

if you met me recently you would wonder why there is so much hype about me in certain circles

but you would have to forgive the hypers because they have known me for quite some time

things were different before

before now

i would have been rattled

She said, "I think one of the funniest things about last night is that you thought I really might have you put up the blinds. Sweetheart, it's not like that round here..."

i would have even shown up with a ladder and a cordless drill and would have been a little disappointed that there were no blinds to hang and then I would have thought "oh, shit. what now? i'll probably have to talk. Are you sure there are no blinds? What about a dripping faucet? Loose railing? rattling window? burnt out light bulb? roofing tar on your carpet?"

I was at the usual place and she had just asked me "So, what's next?"

So, I did that 'Hmmm, I'm thinking' thing and then say "Stoli raz and tonic"

"You want a Stoli raz after four of those?" she asked as she pointed at the glass in front of me that was previously filled with a Disaronno sour.

"How many?!" I asked in disbelief.

"Four" she said, matching my disbelief with her own surprise.

four Disaronno sours after a Tang and tonic which was after four beers

after the Stoli raz I left

"you might have a problem" I told myself

but I wasn't worried because I wasn't fall down drunk I wasn't even 'can't walk straight' drunk. I was walking fine.

"you went from three beers - two or three times a week to six or more beers - five times a week" I further told myself

but I wasn't worried because I wasn't drinking to drink, I was drinking because I liked hanging out at the bar and that's what you do at the bar, you drink.

"isn't the save range for drinking about two drinks a day?" was another question I asked myself

but I still wasn't worried but after that I stopped talking to myself

shadow mode

I don’t like loud parties, they just aren’t really my thing but every once in a while I’ll find myself in some such party.

My gimmick is one liners, mostly dry, sometimes funny, occasionally even mean but then usually they had it coming.

One liners because I don’t have many stories I can just tell off the top of my head.

One liners because I would rather listen than to be listened to

Sometimes, at these parties, when my mind won’t just play alone, I just get quiet.

I’ll watch

do my best to become a shadow

that’s kinda how I feel here

I’ll raise a glass from across the room if eye contact is met

but most likely my effort will continue to be half hearted

until I hear something that piques my interest

lately I’m uninterested

I’ve been trying my best to fade

but I keep getting recoated with a fiery red

I don’t think red is my color

I've been writing

I've been righting

but both with little success

I was stuck doing someone else’s job two days in a row, I only expected to do his job one day in a row but a co-worker conveniently called in sick so I got to cover his coverage as well.

I thought of seeking vengeance but proper vengeance is hard work…

But filling in, I did get to help someone from possibly the best hotel in my fair city. She has only dealt with me three times in as many years but she greeted me with a smile, my name and later produced some chocolate chip cookies and then had some nice words about me to the guy in charge.

She’s incredibly attractive

the ladies like me and it makes other folks jealous and I actually get a kick out of that

folks need to grow up or maybe they need to stop being an ass and possibly folks will like them as well

boat load

yeah

she gave a slight moan as she read the order receipt and rolled her eyes

and then quietly asked to herself “what’s in a blue drop?”

me - I didn’t know

she called one of her barkeeper friends and asked “what’s in a blow job?”

I think “holy shit! did she just say ‘blow job’?”

she said "I remembered the Bailey's" as she held up the already fetched Irish Cream

she poured the two shots into two shot glasses and placed them in the place for pick up

“I’m sorry but what are those called?” I asked.

she smiled and said “Blow jobs”

“Oh, at first I thought you said blue drop but then on the phone I heard you say, what you just said”

and then she placed a shot glass in front of me and asked if I would like a blow job, she explained that she must have 'accidentally' over poured.

I just smiled at all the possible replies but only offered “Sure …but you know I’m telling all my friends”

“You can tell them you got a blow job, you can even tell them you got it from here, just don’t tell them who gave it to you”

it was a deal

and I assumed the deal applied to the time when she accidentally over poured the second round of blow jobs as well

yeah, I fucked up

it was a small slip but at a very bad time

fifteen g’s worth of mistake

but it’s fixable

but now folks know I’m fallible

fifteen g’s worth

.

Posted by: greencatfish.

It was raining

The seat next to me was a rotation of familiar freaks.

I'll talk to anyone who starts talking to me. I may not always stay polite but I'll talk. The freaks like this because usually folks won't talk to them.

The barkeeps like this because when the freaks are talking to me, the freaks aren't talking to them.

The first freak said he was a regular of maybe once or twice a month, I didn't recognize him so I doubted him a bit but then I'm there only at specific times so I don't see everyone.

He was saying he doesn't tip because they don't talk to him. I thought maybe if he tipped they might talk to him. I turned away from him as the talking waned and when I glanced back he was wearing a bandana and then I recognized him as a house painter who used to always show up for the free buffet and he would just stare straight ahead as he slowly worked at his piled high plate of fee free food. He would try to pick up staff members as he was chowing down while stiffing them on tips on his buck fifty drafts.

Freak number two was a loser lawyer whose stated goal is to, one day, stay at the bar from opening to closing, he's working of a method of drinking to accomplish this, but this time around he's telling me he's learned all his social skills from watching a particular sitcom.

I don't doubt him.

"They must like you because they come out from behind the bar to talk to you" he mentioned.

"Yeah, they treat me well." I said as I asked "What do I owe" from the barkeep.

"Nothing. You're all set" was the answer I got. My stool neighbor's mouth just dropped. I couldn't help but smile.

Part of the problem is that she called me on a Saturday

And not just any Saturday but the Saturday that was the first full day of a three day weekend.

She called me with something that could certainly have waited until the next time I was in the office.

She said she was told to call me and even though I knew why she was calling me she still hadn’t actually said why, she hadn’t stated a question or asked for my input.

“I understand all that but I still don’t know what you are asking.”

She replied, but she just repeated what she already just said which was basically – we want to do this and that and some other things we know you’re busy, I was told to call you.

still not a question

she’s not a good communicator but somehow she ends up in the position of communicator

in this instance I really couldn’t care less but I know she’s going to be on the phone with someone soon and things are going to be left unsaid and then shit will hit the fan

“are you busy, this weekend?” I was asked.

“Yeah” I lied from my easy chair angled at the large screen tv that was playing something from the Discovery Channel which was more or less the whole plan for the weekend.


I smell trouble

I think my life would be better with a bass line

the shod foot can be considered a weapon

but I would rather have a .45


we were smoking cigars, macanudo miniatures, the last two in the box, I finished first because I started first and rubbed the stub that was left with my sneaker until I was satisfied that there was no chance of fire. I really didn't want the dry front lawn to start to smolder. She tossed her stub in front of where I was still sitting and asked me to do the same for her.

Her feet were unshod.