and 98% smartass

"This is great! How did you do that?"

"Well, you know, I'm 40% magic."

(but it was kinda cool)

Another goodbye at the bar

I hadn't been seeing much of her, her shift was changed and my drinking has been on the decline.

I first met her when I was trying to buy one last shot for my normal gang of bartenders. They were placing shots in front of me every time they decided they wanted one, I think we were up to three or four when I decided to have one last one and then find my way to the subway station. I couldn't get anyone of the bartenders I knew to do one with me and I think I did what ever it is that a manly man does that's equivalent to a pout, or maybe I just whined. I forget, but anyway after I asked for the second time, Jen said "Lan na will do one with you," I remember thinking "I don't want Lan na to do one with me. I want you to."

I guess I get pouty when I'm drunk.

Anyway, the scene I remember is that Jen poured the shots, handed one to me and then called to Lan na and said "Here do this with him," as she pointed at me. Lan na then saluted with her shot in my direction. When we both were finished she said "By the way, I'm Lan na," and laughed.

I saw her the following week and we talked a bit. After that, I would make it a point to occasionally stick around until her shift would begin at eight on Friday nights. I got to see her approximately once a month.

I would always get a large greeting from her and one day when she saw me she pulled a hard covered book out of her backpack and said "Here, I got this for you. I've been carrying it around for two weeks," it was a book of works from various print designers. I had little choice but to love her.

For the last few months, her shift was changed to Thursday nights, a night I work at the second job, so I hadn't been able to see her. Two weeks ago, when I was celebrating Veteran's Day with Jen, she told me Lan na gave her two week notice and that her last day would be November 16.

Last night was November 16th. I finished the second job by 10PM and drove home. I was literally pulling into my driveway when I got a call from Lady G; her kids had just been in a car accident eight blocks from my house, she asked me to met her at the scene. Everyone was alright, the car suffered a busted up passenger side front. I took some photos and then followed them all home.

I told Lady G how I thought the insurance companies would call the accident: bottom line the other guy ran a stop sign. We talked a bit, she gave me a leather coat as part of the 40 days of birthday celebration and I left.

I glanced at the radio clock the blue LED's indicated that it was seven minutes until eleven. It started to rain. Lady G lives pretty close to my bar. I still had a box of Godiva Truffles in the back of the truck from some recently failed surprise. I drove to the bar.

I thought the place was crowded for a rainy night and I looked through the window before I went in to make certain she was working. I had my license in hand as I approached the bouncer outside the door. He glanced down at it but wouldn't take it, he said "You're all set," I smiled and thanked him. I then took a step up towards the door and heard "There's a five dollar cover." I was reaching into my coat pocket where I had placed a twenty for just this charge when the bouncer behind me said "Kevin, he's all set." I turned and thanked him again.

It was a struggle to get to the bar and it was even harder trying to catch a bartender's attention. Their eyes would never make it past the first row of patrons. I remember thinking that every one at the bar was an asshole and patted myself on the back for always making room for someone to get to the bar when I'm seated at it.

But my good bar manners weren't getting me any closer to who I wanted to see so I was devising another plan when I saw Lan na make a move towards the pass thru.

The pass thru is located to the left of the taps and no customer is supposed to be in that area because that is where the waitresses pick up and place their orders. But I'm special, I get certain allowances and most of the staff knows me by name. I matched Lan na's progress to the pass thru. I thought she was going to the lady's room which would have caused her to pass right by me but she just ended up grabbing some silverware and turned back so I called her name.

The wait staff was generous in sharing their space with us.

"I hear it's your last day."

"How'd you hear that?"

"I've got people looking out."

"Yeah, it is. I figure it's time to move on become more stable and to procreate."

"Well, I've got something for you." I handed her the large gold bag with the two toned box of varied chocolate truffles. Other than a smile I ignored her 'procreate' remark, although it was difficult.

"You know? These folks don't care it's my last day," she said as she pointed with her chin towards everone at the bar. "Thank you. I haven't been getting to see you lately."

"Yeah, Thursday is tough for me. And I'm glad I could make it. I didn't think I would."

We were interupted by Jen screaming "Timmy!” from the other side of the pass thru, "You drinking?"

"No, I'm driving," I said as I looked Lan na in the eyes for the first time that night. They looked a little glassy and a bit tired. I was going ask how she was doing when I heard Jen yell something again.

"Are you working tomorrow?"

I apologized with a half shrug to Lan na before I yelled back "Yeah."

"Are you coming by?"

"I don't know. Jill won lunch for ten friends."

"Oh, that's okay. I don't need to see you every Friday."

"So if I wanted to catch you here, Friday night is best?" Lan na asked.

I wanted to tell her that I'm not around much anymore but I just agreed. She then left to get a pen and pulled some receipt paper from the register. She gave me her phone number and handed me a small piece of receipt and asked for mine.

I turned a bit to write on the counter by the mostly unused coffee maker. It was too dark to see what I was writing so I wrote by feel. Once I was done I held it up to the light.

"Can I read it?" Lan na asked as she closely looked over my shoulder while placing her right hand on my right lower back.

"I can," I said as I handed it to her.

She hugged me a third time as we said good bye.

On the way out I caught that bouncer's eye as he was checking ID's and thanked him once again.

Walking back to my truck in the stillness that happens after a hard rain I could smell her perfume on me and I felt certain I wasn't going to see her again.

I replay events in my head, and actually that what this blog mostly consists of.

Obviously, a lot of things don't get posted because I just don't have that kind of time and also because some of it puts me to sleep when I start typing it but anyway, the point is I think about the past, frequently.

I went to check my interoffice mail slot because I wasn't getting enough email to entertain me and on the way back I started thinking about yesterday.

I've been having trouble dealing or not dealing with my recently constantly crazy supervisor. He isn't getting on my case or anything but he's making some bone head decisions mostly because he isn't listening properly. It's like he has Alzheimer's.

So, yesterday while we were at coffee with two other friends I said something referenced by 'As a friend,' well the guy nearly went into crazy mode and the only reason he didn't was because he would have proven my point then and there. He took offense at my statement, like I guessed he would, so to get me back he made his own 'As a friend' statement.

Walking back to my cube, I thought how he tried to hurt my feelings by his statement and I just smiled because he greatly sucked at it. He caught me smiling and asked "What's up?" I said "Nothing."

Dude, say whatever you want. I welcome all comments because either they are true or they are false and I know how to handle both.

I remembered that I got the thought for a post from one of the sites I read but I forgot the actual thought so I went back to the site and then remembered the thought but then I got a new thought...

I just had to check an Eartha Kitt song that was playing on my iTunes.

...the new thought was 'screw it. I don't want to post that' so I didn't.

I called her to say that the note cards were ready. She then overly thanked me, not for the note cards but for most things in general. I never know quite what to say because agreeing that I'm the greatest doesn't seem to be the right thing.

After, the storm of her gratitude answered with my platitude she mentioned that my sister teaches her daughter math. I felt a bit uneasy even though the kind statements were now transferred to my sibling's teaching abilities. I wish to be mostly unknown.

I wondered how it would have come up that we were brother and sister - my last name must be slipping out. I'll have to find that leak.

hallow, hollow, hallo

He was touting the virtues of competing for a win, praising those who have at least tried, those who dared to reach for the thrill of victory - these were heroes for risking loss.

His assumption seemed to be that all those who do not try to win, do so because they are afraid to lose. For some reason I took his article a little bit personal even though I'm fearless of losing.

I was irritated at his rational and angry that he was calling me a coward just because I often chose not to participate. I wanted to tell him I'll often step up when the odds are against me, when losing is expected. It not the losing I fear, it’s the winning.

I often find victory fleeting and hollow despite all those yeah-sayers patting me on the back.

Most of the time when I'm going for the win, it's not to prove that I have the best skills, it's to prove that everybody else's skill isn't the best. I often don't to play to win, I play to make others lose and there is very little joy in that.

I'm probably the biggest loser with a winning record.

So, Mister Columnist, I am not a coward; I'm an asshole. Please try to get it right in the future – maybe with a footnote or something.

"As a friend..."

That means I'm about to rip you a new one.

...


Sometimes, I run into actual ho's when I'm out working. Only one was pretty; she was young. I wanted to buy her lunch but it was too early for lunch.

I wanted to ask her why. I wanted to know what she would need to stop.

I knew I didn't have the means for change.

I noticed her just that once.


...

I said something he didn't like and he rose up from his seat and reached across the table at me. I just watched him as he stopped his reach just short of halfway denying him any reaction.

It's hard to frighten me by reaching violently across a table. It's not really possibly to deliver a solid blow while bent over a table and usually a scooch back puts you out of harms way. And even if they do get a hold of you, the leverage is to your advantage and of course you can always just stand up and rain blows down upon them.

Sometimes, I will almost dare someone to lay their hands on me because sometimes I have a lot of anger to let loose.

I can't see your screen, you called me on the phone

I don't always know where all the commands are because I'm not afraid of looking and I'm a pretty good guesser or maybe because my subconscious keeps track of those things anyway, if you call me on the phone and ask me technical questions you may hear something like "There is a sort function somewhere."

"You see at the top where the columns are, the A's, B's and C's?" I asked.

"Yes"

"And to the side you have the rows, the 1, 2 and 3's?"

"Yes"

"Well, where the columns met the rows there is a blank square. Hit that and it should select everything."

"Ok. It did."

"Now just sort by last name."

"No. It's not working. Every time I tell it to sort the last name it just selects the last name."

"Once you select everything and you tell it to sort, you have to tell it what column the last name is which is probably like column D."

"Nope it's not working. It's just selecting the last names."

I don't have all the menu items and commands along with their locations memorized, surprisingly as that may seem. So, I opened up the spreadsheet program at my day job to find out where things were.

"Select everything," I said.

"Okay"

"Now from the top, select Data and then Sort."

"Okay."

"Now just 'sort by' whatever the last name column is."

"Which is E."

"Yeah, sort by E."

"Okay it did it. I've never done that before."

I got a paper cut last night. It's been over six years since I got a paper cut and with all the paper I handle that might be saying something.

I wasn't my cool collectedly calm self when it happened either which kind of makes it worse because instead of an erroneous hand movement, it was faulty brain movement.

And it was card stock. I remember thinking 'I thought card stock was too thick {to paper cut}'

3927 words for November so far
7854 projected total
280 words a day

2146 words short of ten thousand

spare change on the loose

She held out her frayed edged cup as she said "Spare change." Her tone wasn't as a normal request but more like she was calling for her lost dog.

I didn't see any dogs bound over to her in the forty five minutes I was there. I did wonder if she could have caught any of the falling leaves in her paper chalice if she had wished.

The state inspection sticker blared a big number 10 and seeing that it was now the month of November, he was certain he would get pulled over. He was upset that someone had let the inspection sticker run out. He's been pulled over for that violation before and he didn't like being put in a position to get pulled over again.

He spent half the morning trying to find a ride back from the garage and cursing the way the motor pool is handled. After he returned to his desk, he got a call, it was the garage; they called to say that the inspection sticker expires in October of '07.


It's hard to work up any sympathy for you when all your stress is self induced.

The mystique must be gone.

Returning from lunch, I found a note that asked for information. It was pretty clear cut and simple but I sort of tossed it aside because I didn't like its tone. I probably read too much into it but still, even though the request was in my job description, I decided to hold off on filling the request.

My supervisor, who wrote the note, came over to me and explained it. I felt that the reply of "Yeah, no shit?" would have been inappropriate so I remained quiet.

So, recently, I've had the word 'vital' and a rather simple note explained to me.

But then I did originally spell the word mystique m-y-s-t-i-c and if I could have then figured out how to spell the word mystic other than mystic I would have kept it alone.

...

"Hey, we're going to have a bake sale. I know you like to bake."

I actual do like to bake but not for bake sales, I would rather just hand over a wad of cash and call it a day.

I forget the year

It was New Year's Day and late enough in the early morning for folks to be up on a welcomed day off from work. Things had been hectic but somehow it was all pulled off. The quiet hung on this day of rest.

There wasn't much food in the house except parts of a left over chicken from two nights before. Someone suggested that chicken salad be made but a search of the pantry produced no mayonnaise.

As luck would have it I remembered seeing a recipe for that particular condiment in one of the cookbooks around. The ingredients consisted of: egg, oil, lime, salt, and vinegar and thanks for my passion for Gin and Tonics there were limes in the house and we usually have all the other ingredients.

I pulled the food processor from the top of the refrigerator and drizzled the oil into the rest of the ingredients while the metal blade spun a clockwise whirlpool of mayonnaise-to-be. Two minutes later it was finished. A minute before that, I was finished with mayonnaise.

I tend to judge people but it's mostly just so I'll know how to handle interactions with them in the future. I also try to guess how I am judged for the same reason.

She called me, she needed some checks for some certain things to be filed. She quoted the owner and said that these filings were "Vital" she continued by saying that "So, it's very important that they get done."

I afforded myself a smile.


…

They started to talk about real estate. The guy to my left was saying that real estate is usually the safest bet for investing. The guy to my right was saying that it was too risky. I judged the guy to my right to be someone who tries to talk himself up into something he is not. He was talking about issues to impress the guy to my right; the trouble was that guy was a heck of a lot smarter than he appeared to be.

I smiled at the situation and when Lefty caught my grin he asked what I found so funny. "Nothing" I said but the guy to my right said "He knows a little about real estate. Don't you, Tim." My smile got a little bigger. My friend to my right just made the whole situation even funnier to me by throwing me under a bus.

I usually don't like to argue serious things at the bar but I was sort of called out so I was game.

"Well if you spoke to someone in the Eighties and suggested that they invest in real estate—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm talking about today. What's happening now."

I nearly laughed while he gestured and told me to whoa.

"Yeah I know but you just said "Twenty years from now," so if you want to look twenty years into the future, I can look twenty years into the past." I looked to my overweight point maker to see it he was following me. His eyes had a slight bit of a glazed-over look and he was silent. I chanced that he was processing information. "Twenty years in the past is the Eighties. Real estate crashed in the Eighties but today house prices are three to four times what they were back before it crashed. Real estate might drop but it will increase if you can wait it out. In twenty years it tripled, after it crashed."

"That's the problem, 'if you can wait it out' there are people who have overextended themselves and have three or four properties that they can no longer afford."

"So sell some! You can't blame the market for people overextending themselves. You can't blame the market for people's poor decisions."

"How many properties do you own?"

I held up one finger. He just shrugged, dismissively.

"I'm not going to overextend myself."