Sunday, January 25, 2004


"I pull my blue jeans on. I pull my old blue jeans on"

My Sundays are usually for nothing, nada. If I get anything done, then good for me. If I had plans to accomplish nothing and actually accomplished something then that's extra credit for me. I'm not certain where the extra credit is tallied but I got me some there.

Which reminds me, I'll usually do favors for the folks I know (in my head I call them 'my peeps' but I can't bring myself to type that descriptive). These favors usually bring about a 'thank you' followed by 'and you will be rewarded', then a pause from comedic effect, ended with 'in Heaven'. I prefer monetary rewards but I guess heavenly rewards are okay too. I expect nothing in return for my favors, so anything I get is gravy.

Anyway, I did a favor for a cohort in Public Works, a respected gentleman, and his response was "thank you, you will be rewarded". My smart apple reply was "where in Heaven? Because that's where most of my rewards go". To which he responded "Oh, really? I hope you make it". I was amused because he out smart assed me which was unexpected it but it also made me think "yeah, I hope I make it too".

On a different subject, I think I figured out why I haven't been living up to my own expectations. Awhile ago I was fighting the good fight and things weren't going my way but that's happened before so I persevered. Then my opponent started fighting dirty but that's happened before so I persevered. But the fight was going nowhere. The fight was going on and on and I new I could win if the other guy just stopped cheating but he wasn't going to stop because he knew I could beat him. So, I complained to the referee and I know he saw the illegal blows and fouls but the referee just shrugs his shoulders and says "so?". I can handle getting beat. I can handle getting beat by a cheat. But when I'm not getting a chance to do well, I get annoyed. And in this case after a year and a half, I just quit. I said to the powers that be, I don't believe you are doing the right thing, I think it's all a mistake. I'm tired of taking the blame for all that isn't getting done, so I'm out. I quit.

I was done with making decisions, done with standing in the gap. I made an appeal for justice and was rebuffed. I could have continued, I just didn't see the point of it. I've always made it to the final round, never been knocked out. This time I quit, I said "no mas".

What I didn't know at the time was that some of the crowd and some of the other fighters were quietly behind me. They never seen me quit, they always got a good show when I was in the ring. Now, I quit, TKO, I threw in the towel. What happened next was that others stopped fighting the good fight. They witnessed me let evil win so they gave up as well.

In real live, without the analogy, around forty thousand dollars that belonged to a nonprofit charity was lost to one man's drug addiction. When I quit the purse-strings went to a relative of mine, a relative who was easily manipulated. The newly made drug addict was counseling a different relative of mine and when all was revealed, that relative fell by the wayside, they would not listen to anybody by then. All of this was a mighty blow to the organization. A blow, that in actuality killed it.

I can argue that those people shouldn't have put there faith in me, they should have been standing on there own. But I think something different.

So what was lost: two relatives, the career of a formally respected counselor, $40 grand, and a charity that my father and my father's father help build. All because I wearied in welldoing.

There are still fight cards that need to be filled. I get calls every once in a while. I'll hold the spit bucket but I don't step into the ring, the stakes are still too high for my liking.

There might come a day when I get feed up with the good fight being unfought. I miss the fight, but today just isn't the day.

I was just going to post a picture of my new shoes, I was wearing them today, but that will wait until later.

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