Thursday, January 29, 2004

Mood up, Mood down, Mood Up

I think my mood has been improving. Or least I've been focusing on different things, more on the positive than the negative. I still know that I'm not living up to my potential, not doing all that I can, I'm not even doing all the stuff that is convenient. But I also know that if a friend made a request of me, I would do what was needed, maybe even give it my best. So there is some solace there.

I've been getting some good words from friends and people I respect, I fight my urge to argue that, indeed my worth is not as mush as they think. I don't give 100%, maybe 12%, on a good day but whether I am happy with it or not, 12% is usually good enough. I would argue that they don't understand, I lack character but that would produce a litany of my perceived vitues which I would further deny and whould be further argued for and then that would appear I am soliciting pats on the back. And how lame is that?.

If I am doing good enough, I should not stress about not doing my best. I can and will kick up the effort when needed. Giving a better performance, will go on my to-do list for right now.

My change in mood has caused me to think of other areas of my life, ones more/still screwed up.

I have a problem with being happy. I guess.

What usually comes to mind is something that my father said to me in the days of yore. The family was walking around our land in Vermont and we were talking about building something here, putting a roadway there and my father said that he would like to build a little get away and pointed to where he wanted it. I was being a prick that day and stated that his chosen location was too close to the neighboring property and he looked right at me, down to my soul (I met his gaze, rolled my eyes and looked away), and he asked "I can dream, can't I?". Didn't phase me a bit at the time, I was in hardcore buzz kill mode. But it did get to me later, still does today. My dad's premature death was in 95, this was said three years prior.

My dreams have been replaced with a to-do list. I cannot remember anything really ever I dreamed for. Just stuff I needed to get done. I usually borrow other people's dreams, help to make them come true so I do not focus on my own dream free existence.

Most of what I have or do, the decision was made on the spot, I'll buy that truck, hang out with her, live in that house, work for the city.

When asked what I dream of, I reply, I dunno the normal stuff. Truth is my dream list is empty.

I'll put that on my to-do list as well, find/make/discover/uncover my dreams.

I'm really getting tired of reading what I have to say, I believe I know what I have to do to be content, even happy, with myself but I will not do it. I'm usually five minutes late for work every day, all I have to do is get out of bed five minutes earlier and I'll be on time, I'm awake but I will just wait in bed until I know I'll be late. Maybe that my passive aggressive nature telling the world, fuck you.

I wish that where the case, that I really had that much passion/emotion to provide a response as strong as fuck you. My true reaction is more like 'eh' made with one half shrug of one whole shoulder.


There was a long pause after that last sentence. I was just sitting here thinking if I met me on the street and I was saying all this stuff, I would kick that me's ass. Seeing my thoughts and accounts memorialize in type has made me want to do something about it.

Both my jobs are not bad. My job with the city is pretty secure even with the budget cuts ands though I think my efforts are often in vain sometimes the things I do make a difference. My job with the real estate office, I pretty much right my own ticket, sometimes the pay is delayed but I'm not there for the money and I get unique opportunities because the owner is involved in more that just real estate. My house is grand, it just needs some work, a lot of work but nothing I haven't done before. The girl I hang around with, she's better than me, she's slumming when she's with me but she's there none the less. My family, for the most part, true.

The problems I see with me are all mine. I'm the clog in the gears of my own happiness. And today I think I finally done with it. Tomorrow I think I'll be happy. I'll know at 8:00am tomorrow when I'm supposed to start work.

Tonight maybe I'll even pick a dream.

am, thanks

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