So I wait...

My problems they stay inside for the most part. Some get posted here in some fashion usually not too bold and not too bare. The big problems are mine alone.

Right now I could use some convincing that things will work out, after all they usually do but only in hindsight. The brass ring, it dogs me but I’m having trouble seeing it at the moment. But then I usually do, have trouble seeing it close. I usually see it in the past, over yonder, in yesteryear.

The new job interview was today. I wasn’t throwing the hard stuff. A few got away from the catcher.

I’m worried about my present position, there is no one to fill my shoes. Things will be left undone. Things will go unfinished.

I was asked during the interview what was my greatest achievement (job related). There was a pause, a lot of what I do I consider bullshit. I said the creation and maintaining of the accident information database. I said the information received from the state has to be converted and joined with the existing information on hand. I’m the only one who presently can do it. I was asked why is that important. I said it enables the department to determine dangerous intersections so they can be fixed, possibly saving lives.

It’s a bit dramatic but it’s true.

If I were to leave an information source will vanish. That’s more of a testament to the sorry state of affairs my department is in as opposed to any grand abilities I may possess.

It shouldn’t bother me but it does. It does a lot. Things will go on without me but the department will be weakened. It’s already weak.

In a different interview I was asked why I came and worked for the department. I said I thought I could make a difference which I admitted sounded corny but it’s true.

In all my life I’ve been employed, fulltime, by three different organizations. I still work for two.

I tanked the math questions during the interview. The answers came after I was back at my own desk. I know both interviewers and both know me, they also know my current associates. It makes an uneasy situation for me. The interviewers have a certain amount of faith in my abilities and there I was having difficulties with simple volume questions.

I was telling myself there are 27 cubic feet in a cubic yard but the part of my brain doing the math wasn’t listening. I was actually telling myself that a cubic yard is 9 square feet times three to make it cubic cause I think like a spaz.

Maybe I tanked the math on purpose. Maybe I made it seem more difficult than it was in actuality. But that brass ring it dogs me, I’ll most likely get the job or a least a second interview in which I’ll answer all the questions correctly. I’ll have to tell folks I’ll be leaving. I won’t be let off the hook. I’ll have to choose myself over others.

Don’t get me wrong I’m rather selfish. I’m kind when I want to be kind, but I usually don’t have to boldly say this is for me, and me alone. Not out loud anyway.

“So long, suckers”...Is really not my style.

At the moment it is out of my hands. There is nothing I can do. Only wait.