"I used to be more"

I hear that from me all the time.

When I read that on Ray's site, I heard my own words talking to me again only this time, as some sort of consolation, I also heard "and there was a time you used to be less."

But it wasn't very consoling.

It did make me think of when I took the step back, when I stopped ascending my do-good-life ladder and started the descent. The hazy past practices I could recall were like lightning in the clouds, I knew they were there and I knew what they were even if I couldn't see them clearly. I wondered why there was no lightning today. I wondered when did I lose it and how much did I lose.

While I was trying to calculate a date and time and a quantity of the missing I heard "You haven't lost anything. You know more now then you did back then." I took offense and prepared to start a dissenting voice but no words came. The truth is I am smarter now. I know more things. I've seen more of the world.

"So why am I not pleased with this improved me?" was the question next asked as I saw myself standing on a high rung of my do-good-life ladder. I even looked down at the old me, the me that still gets talked about almost in awe. Looking down is when I realized the difference. The old me was climbing. The present me seems to be standing still.