I'm finding mistakes. Things that used to happen automatically, involuntarily, are not happening.

Involuntary like breathing not like against my will.

It is tough to remember to breathe when you haven't been remembering for your whole prior life.

or most of your prior life

There are times, I'll slow my breathing with the hopes of slowing my thinking. I'll focus on the in and then the out and then when I wish to go back to the automatic breathes there is always that moment that I worry that my lungs will not start back up on their own which is usually followed by my worry of forgetting how to breathe.

When I was young, I used to have this obsessive habit of swallowing. I would swallow every twenty seconds or so, if I wasn't preoccupied with something else. One time after a preoccupation, I forgot what my obsessive habit was; I remembered that there was one; I remembered that it had something to do with my throat. I started to feel nauseous. I remember waiting it out in the bathroom for either vomit or remembrance. I remember the feeling of being deprived of something that I felt was necessary for life. I felt the chance of death but for a six year old I thought I handled it well.

I remember thinking about asking my parents for help but I knew that I would never be able to explain what my current problem was.

The imagined conversation went something like the following.

"Yeah, there's this thing I do all the time and I've forgot how to do it and now I feel like I'm going to throw up and I think if I don't remember how to do it I might pass out and die."

"Well, Timmy, what kind of thing was it?" my father would ask.

"It was something with my throat. I don't really remember. If I knew what it was I would be doing it right now. I need help."

"We would like to help but how would we know what it is when you don't even know what it is."

I would then just walk away because dad was right. How could I expect him to know what my problem was when I didn't know what my problem was?

"Come back when you have more information. We're here to help." I would hear him call as I slumped away.

Once I finally remembered, I tried to catch up with all the swallowing I missed.

Somewhere between then and now I stopped swallowing.

or at least I think I have.