Same, same

I double parked and got out.

Twenty minutes prior I was trying to calculate the price of a pizza with steak, pepper and onion as the toppings. The problem was that the steak counts as two toppings and the peppers count as one and the onions count as one, so that’s the price of four topping total and my take out menu only prices to three.

Sixty minutes prior to that I was applying a wax finish to a chunk of wood basically just because I could.

I usually pick up the pizza myself because I don’t like dealing with delivery guys, it’s one of my odd quirks. There were a couple of people standing by the door, it was snowing so my only thought was on a route of avoidance. The two consisted of a younger guy looking like he was waiting for a friend to finish in the store and the other was an older woman, cleanly but poorly dressed, with a cigarette. As I passed them both the lady asked if I could spare some change on my way out, my answer was expressed with a shake of my head even before she finished her question.

I work downtown, I pass beggars frequently, I have an unwritten rule - no money to smokers. I don’t have a problem with people who chose to smoke I just think if you need to ask for money you shouldn’t be buying cigarettes.

Waiting at the counter for my order to be brought out from the back I heard this thought: it’s sometimes easier to bum a smoke than it is to get money.

I was in line waiting because the deal was, if I would fly someone else would buy. It was a decent deal and what better way to watch the local football team, on my big screen tv, win a playoff game

I passed by the older lady on the way out in silence and put the pizza in my still double parked truck. I returned to the door way. I was eating for free and my conscience got the better of me.

I stood at a distance where she would just be able to reach the five I was offering. I made a deal with myself inside that if I had a five dollar bill in my pocket, she would get it. The deal was made because I couldn’t think of a reason for this woman to be standing basically in the snow asking for money unless there was a real need and by now I didn’t even care if she was going to buy smokes with the money because smoking an addiction and I judge too much.

I folded the currency tight to give me some get away time, it would take her a moment to unfold what I had folded, she was, however, quicker than I thought.

“No. Come here” I heard.

“I’m not looking for a friend, I’m just easing some guilt” is what was said in my head as I offer a “No, that’s all right. Good luck.” But she persisted, so I approached hoping that I could just escape with hearing what a good man I was, but it wasn’t that easy. She said “Give me a big hug” she must have seen my heart sink because I’m not that good of an actor and because my heart sank. There I was trying to demonstrate that I care about my fellow man, in the most convenient way possible to me, and I am asked to do something that maybe that’s more important to her than giving her the money I most certainly wasn’t going to miss.

Then that voice, I often hear, chimed in again, the voice I had heard just moments ago waiting in line, “If you wait any longer why don’t you just spit on her and get it over with.” That damn voice is brutal sometimes but in the end it’s never wrong.

So, I more than less let her hug me and as each quarter second passed, I wondered if I just gave myself head lice. I don’t know how long I stood there getting a hug but it seemed like forever so I said “Have a good night” as I stepped away to break the embrace.

I called “Cut!” to this scene, this acting job of mine that I actually care about others more than I care about myself.

Maybe, I am Bush.


and even my good is bad which is most ugly